I just don’t see the point anymore

I feel so fucked up mentally that I don’t know if there’s any coming back from it. I can’t feel anything towards anyone even towards my close friends and family I don’t feel anything no emotion towards them. It feels like i’m only nice to people because that’s what you’re supposed to do. I just feel like i’m in autopilot and I can’t get out. I want to plan for my future but I can’t think about it anymore. Everytime I get close to anyone I push them away. Why am I like this? Why can’t I just be normal? Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve this feeling. All the time I feel I need something to numb the pain and sometimes death feels easier then living. I have no self worth and I don’t feel worthy of anything. I can’t stand up for myself because I hate myself. My parents are part of a religion in which once I leave they will cease all contact with me and everyone i’ve ever known will stop talking to me so what’s the point anyway? My own parents and everyone i’ve known will stop talking to me it’s like I’ll be dead anyway no friends no family. Why live anymore?