What can I do about my depression?

I have tried around 9 different therapists, one of them I did see for one year and she did help me with suicidality, but not looking for therapy rn, it's so exhausting.

I have enrolled on a university course, which is at least good gives me some direction. when exams are over and it's summer, my depression gets worse.

Everything feels super slow, it's like my body just slows down.

Even though I have ideas of stuff I know will help, like trying to get a job, physical activity, sport or yoga classes, volunteering, even tidying, etc, everything just feels like the hugest effort and not worth it.

I feel like life is so dead and grey.

Even when the sun is shining so much outside I don't really want to be in the sun even though it's beautiful, it doesn't feel it to me. I feel so alone and disconnected from humanity. I have one good friend that I should be happy for.

I feel like all the other friends I have had have let me down or hurt me, or abandoned me, which to be honest they have, in fact.

My family aren't near me and to be honest for good reasons, I don't really want my family near me due to reasons.

I don't really feel a closeness towards other people in general. I don't feel relaxed around people as I generally feel I can't connect with them or I feel I don't trust them really.

Recently a guy was showing many indications he was into me, acting into me but he never called me or text and I really got my hopes up. It just felt like yet another disappointment. I'm not even too upset about it in particular, it just made me feel even more hopeless. I'm 31 and I'm trying not to tell myself I'll never find anyone, but it just seems like the truth based on all these years of loneliness. I mistrust others and avoid them a lot, I'm not able to be relaxed or happy or enjoy flirtation.

I've gotten so scared of giving my feelings away, after my past traumas, that I just totally shut down. Even when I do try and start something, it all just goes to shit so it's a cycle. This happens every damn time, so why try anyway. I don't have the resilience to take the knocks anymore. I conclude there must be something wrong with me.

Even though there is objectively probably not much wrong with me I feel like whatever I do I dont deserve to be loved, to me it's the only explanation or it would have happened by now. If I deserved to be loved, I wouldn't have attracted all these weirdos or narcissistic, abusive types because that's who I always seem to end up attracting.

All I just feel is this deep disappointment with my life and broken dreams. Even though I'm enrolled on a course now and it's going in fact reasonably well, feel a hopelessness. I'm not suicidal, I don't want to die.

What can I actually do to shake this feeling? It's like my body has slowed down and shut down. I don't even feel like sharing how I feel with anyone.

Sure they might say they want to be there, but in reality people I know are judgemental or not willing to be there. Even the one good friend I have I don't want to drag her down with it because despite people saying they want to be there, it is actually a burden and quite intense or a pressure for them.

I know that for all of this I need to fix the relationship I have with myself, and make mouvements in a direction, it's just not that easy when everything feels like soooo much effort and my body is slow.