Stream of consciousness

in order to be new you must first break outside the skin that surrounds you. A daunting task must not overlook the integrity of the process. Words spew from my mind and only later will I come to understand their meaning. It’s my fault that I am who I am. It’s my fault I do what I do. It all comes back to me in a whirlpool of self reinforcing hatred. Should I break out of this cycle would I be happier. Most definitely it would change the very fabric of who I’ve come to be. For hate fuels my ambition. Fear fuels my ambition. Disgust fuels my ambition. I am nothing but a disheveled excuse of a human strung together with contorted parts. A bag full of vitriol that cascades onto those who stay within my vicinity. The never ending waterfall of my entirety. A mistake I keep on making every night as I drift off to sleep. A mistake I make when I wake up. For my life is but a flicker on the board. I drew up in my mind a picture of who I want to be and while I am at a loss as to what that may be I know I feel that I am not. My guiding principles infected by diseases indescribable. A serious evil lurks within the depths of my mind. And who could ever take that statement with an ounce of seriousness. A war engages within my system. A war that will last until the day I fall off the face of the earth with nothing to catch me. I’m in order of myself with a chaos seated by checks and balances delicately swaying forth. It is with a heavy heart that I contemplate my many faults. A seemingly insurmountable mountain of alterations. Augmentations that break my mind. To move forward I must throw myself over the edge cast into the unknown. Unsure of what I become I am scared down to the fiber that makes up my cells. I am in control. I am in control. I am in control. Just another balancing act that should fail led to sorrows untold. My friends i betray. My loves i falter. My family i disregard. For all that exists of importance is myself. Because I am too scared to leave myself behind. I push away and I run back. And i harbor a deep anger for my situation knowing I am responsible. Endless paragraphs stream through my mind taking great doubt of my ability. The guilt is endless. The regret is plentiful. I know what I must do but am terrified to take action. I’m terrified. I’m frozen. Confronted with my demons I neither fight nor run away. I stare them in the eyes and I stand my ground. A noble phrasing for cowardice. That which lurks in the corners of my mind be the one to take action a horror. I am in control. I am in control. I am in control. I run terrified. Operate terrified. I am scared to lose all I have. Because everyone has shown me they leave. And i least of all want to lose myself. I would stay by your side until you die. And to be alone is my greatest fear. With my darkness I am comforted in awful company. I cast you away. All that I find solace in. All that I hold to clutch out of fear. Begone while I flung myself to the chasm. I shall become someone new or i will perish.