What Does Masking Feel Like?

I’ve never been diagnosed with autism and I’m not saying I necessarily think I have it, but I think I’ve used “masking” for my entire life. For as long as I can remember, I’ve feigned laughter, sadness, excitement, even anger when I’ve determined I’m “supposed” to be experiencing those emotions. I even do it when I’m alone.

It usually isn’t 100% fake. It’s like, 25%, or 50%, or 75%, like there’s some kind of genuine emotional experience under the mask, but I’m not comfortable with expressing emotions in the muted way that I experience them in. It’s more of a “sure bet” to exaggerate them. My mask is just like a security blanket to me, even though I know people can see through it. I don’t know who I am without it.

I just wanted to say this to someone else for the first time and I guess I’m wondering if this is similar to what others experience.