I’m so far into remission, that my new therapist didn’t recognize me as BPD for over a year - for those who need hope

I’m writing this in hopes that this makes someone feel hopeful for their future.

I’m a 27f in complete remission of BPD and this is my story. Now before anyone comments, “you can’t cure BPD”, please don’t offend or disregard the amount of work or healing I have done. If I haven’t shown symptoms in over 5 years, I’ll call that being cured, and I’m proud of that. I’m not ashamed of BPD, or my past, but I’m proud enough of myself to let it go.

I was pretty textbook borderline. I was an addict. I got arrested. I was abusive. I ruined every friendship and relationship I ever had. Most of this stemmed from childhood trauma. I experienced basically every type of trauma a child could experience 3x times by the time I was 8. I then experienced more of that trauma in adulthood. I was a menace. I was awful. I was manipulative. I’m just going to be blunt.

Around 22 years-old, I was dating a guy for about 2ish years. I adored him. He was probably the best thing to ever happen to me at that point. And he left me and moved across the country because of how emotionally abusive and chaotic I was.

The breakup completely transformed me. I cried and didn’t leave bed for a month. And then I got up, and I felt completely at peace. It was like everything clicked and I thought to myself, “I don’t want to be like this anymore. I don’t want to sabotage every good thing I could ever have.” And I changed. It was both that simple and yet, that complex, at the same time. I had thought those same thoughts before, but this time I meant it.

I stayed single, completely single, no hookups, no dating at all, for 2 years. I worked in mental health and volunteered to help other people instead of thinking of myself. I spent an absurd amount of time alone. I apologized to any and everyone I could. And I got sober. I’m going on 6 years sober from drugs and a year from nicotine.

How did I do it? Basically any time I had a social or relational dispute, whether that be mentally or otherwise, I assumed my first response was wrong. It’s messed up to say, but I basically reverse gaslit myself. I assumed my first emotional response was probably tainted, and I made a vow to never respond emotionally anymore. If I was hurt, angry, sad, etc, I would think on those feelings for at least a day before responding or talking about my feelings. This was arguably the most important part of healing and getting to a point where I could have healthy and secure relationships. Which I do have now.

It’s absolutely exhausting to analyze your every thought and feeling. But eventually, you can trust your initial reactions more, and that you’ll make responsible decisions during arguments. I also said these two specific things to myself, daily, “if we’re not willing to forgive those we love, who can we ever forgive?” And “two things can be true at once” meaning, someone can love me but be angry at me, vice versa, and that applies to so many areas and situations in life. I said this to myself to combat my black and white thinking; I’m also autistic so I have that bad lol.

But anyway, I recently started seeing a new therapist; probably a year or so ago. I don’t have BPD on my record because I never wanted it on there, so she never saw it, and I never disclosed it. And my therapist who I was super honest with always didn’t notice my BPD symptoms until over a year in weekly treatment with her. I think that’s a testament to my growth. And it’s not that I didn’t want to tell her or was afraid, I just don’t want to be defined or perceived like that anymore. I feel so detached from the girl I once was. But I’ll always love her because she kept me alive the best way she knew how at the time.

I hope this gives someone hope that you can do better and have better, if you really want it xx