Help

(TF18) Recently I’ve started to remember and become more aware of what happened to me when I was younger (7-9) was CoCSA. A friend of mine did oral sexual things on me, and for the longest time I didn’t realize it but that was SA, even if he didn’t mean for it to be. I didn’t want to do it but I felt pressured and scared. The fear of others finding out was one of the first true fears I felt. I know more than likely he was experiencing sexual abuse from an adult and was reenacting these on me, so I feel awful for him. I guess I was wondering how does this sort of stuff affect sexual development and mental processing, as well as how it can combine with other factors. Those being porn addiction, ADHD, and Autism. A really regretful thing I’ve done is masturbate to pictures/social media of my friends and other people I know without their consent and I hate it. I feel like I dissociate in the moment but as soon as I’m done I come to the realization of what I did, but soon after I relapse again. I can stop for long periods of time and then do it about 3-4 times in a row and I hate it because I care so much for my friends and don’t want to sexualize or objectify them. I feel like the person masturbating almost isn’t me, as I know and think those things are wrong but then do them, only to really realize it after.