I feel like I am going crazy

I just want to vent since I have 0 friends. I miss all my friends but their life went on and I wasn't included. With the two friends I do have we don't text and I don't want to bombard them with everything I am going through. I felt happy when I graduated in Dec but it didn't last long living with my parents. It feels like my mom likes to shove it in my face that someone like her with no high school/ college degree makes more than me. She likes to comment on my weight telling me not to eat a lot. She blames her cheating on my dad on me and my siblings but she doesn't take responsibility. My dad just enables her, he defends her even though she's in the wrong. When I try to better myself my parents call me crazy and just to do whatever I want. When i cook my parents expect me to cook for everyone but when my mom cooks she only cooks for herself, my dad, and my sister.

My older sister acts like shes hot shit but she not. She gets mad when we tell her to quit her job that pays her little to nothing and makes excuses. It's a good thing to be a bit frugal with your money but not when it comes to your health or your vehicle. She's very overweight, her hair is thinning, and she's a pathological liar. She gets offended when you catch her in a lie or don't agree with her statements. I hate that my parents baby her and dont let her grow up. She's almost thirty and lives at my parents 2nd house. I resent my 2nd older sister because she bullied me to the point I wanted to x myself. Even after that I felt like she calmed down on the bullying but she still had an ugly soul throughout high school. She tells everyone that my parents punished her the most but she doesn't mention how she would sneak out of the house, underage drink, smoke, and just a bad kid. Now she claims she changed but I think deep down she's just manipulates people to benefit her gain. My little sister a teen and she is a huge cry baby of how spoiled she is. She cries if you beat her at a game, tell her to clean up or do something, or just plains out lie to your faces. Typical teen age angst but my thing is i feel bad for her because I honestly feel like we failed her. She saw my dad catching my mom cheating and he threatened to x himself. I try taking to her but it's like i am talking to a brick wall. I am hopefully she'll open up but I really doubt it.

I love my boyfriend but it's hard when we both want different things from each other. I feel like he wants a girl that says yes to a lot of sexual things and call him "daddy". His culture has a lot of traditions that isn't normal for my culture but i still try my best to include myself but i started to pull away cause I don't understand anything and my partner doesn't translate often. He's very aggressive with showing his love for me and i pull away form that too cause it's too much. He says that us hanging out in the same space or just some what together still counts as hanging out but i keep telling him it doesn't count to me personally because we're not building more of a connection. I hate how he drags me with him to go to the basketball court when i would of just stayed home and do my own thing. I hate how he plays basketball for hours (2-3 max) but with my he only spends less than an 1 hour hanging out with me. He just doesn't understand I am depraved of that special connection we had when we 1st started to date because he was there but now he's just their physically. I just wished he opens the door for me but he says it's a waste of time or theirs not time. Even if we do have time he just doesn't bother. I feel like he's ashamed of my for being over weight but he says he's not. I doubt it cause sometimes it slips out that he wants me to be a baddie to show off.

I just hate myself for being ugly, fat, rude, mean, and so on. I hate how everyone things I am mad cause of my RBF or my monotone voice but thats just how I am. I hate how easily I get mad at my boyfriend. I just find him annoying and it's irritating how I try to make plans but he doesn't give me anything to work with. I try to plan dates but he just tells me whatever I want but I want him to have fun too. I hate how i take my angry out on everyone and I hate how my life is going. I hate how I feel when i think about dying. I hate that people call me crazy or sensitive when i tell them how I am feeling.