Man f@#k heartbreak and breakup atm (Long rant post)

Some days I'm okay and some days I'm feeling absolutely horrible, down to the damn core. I feel like I'm getting crushed every now and then and it just sucks!!!! I want to get out of this hellhole but healing is taking a long time! I feel betrayed, hurt, heartbroken and just overall mixed feelings really. I contributed to the breakup, my pace towards growth was really slow in this relationship and we weren't clearly communicating at all. I know he wasn't perfect, neither was I. I know I idealized him a LOT. I know I was codependent on him. But how can someone, who touched your soul and got to know you more than your own parents.... go back to strangers again? He had the time to decide on breaking up with me while being in a relationship with me. I pushed him, I was desperate, anxious YES. YES I WAS. But if he only believed in me and waited for one more day before impulsively breaking up with me... He could've seen the improvements I was making. He could've SEEN how I finally figured my share of mistakes and how I can repair our relationship. He said he emotionally checked out of the relationship right after I triggered him. Maybe at one point, I really mattered to him a LOT. At one point, I was important to him and he did everything he can in his power because he was afraid of losing me, despite the horrible blunders I made in this relationship. But It still sucks that this sudden, one-sided breakup (OVER TEXT AT THAT FUCKING ASS-) happened-

Dude, I wish I can emotionally check out of this damn breakup like he did. How tf do I turn off my emotions? He sounded so cold, so distant and so fucking cruel at that day of breakup and I never found myself THIS broken before. And we were in a LDR. LONG. DISTANCE. RELATIONSHIP. WE ARE NEVERMETS BUT DAMN THIS IS HURTING ME MORE THAN IT SHOULD.

I loved him so much. So deeply. I don't think he even fucking cares about me anymore. No, I'm sure he doesn't. He says he does but somebody who cares wouldn't leave me on read when I asked for closure one time and the other time when I sent him this vulnerable message. Like goddamn.

I 👏 want 👏 him 👏 out 👏 of 👏 my 👏 MIND 👏

I made my mistakes. Im facing my own consequences for those mistakes of hurting someone I love, even though I promised to myself how I would protect him. But I want my heart to forget about him and leave him!!!!! I want to hate him and loathe him to the core like he hates me but I can't and this is just- UGH.

MAN EVEN OUR VALUES DONT FUCKING MATCH WHY DID I FALL IN LOVE WITH HIM 😭 I am regretting everything. Everything. But at the same damn time, if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have grown but COME ON??? WHO MAKES BREAKUPS THAT SUDDEN AND ONE SIDED??? WHO TF PULLS THAT SHIT ON SOMEONE YOU ACTUALLY LOVED AND CARED FOR BEFORE???? HOW.

I don't even want to go back to him. Hell no. He has trust issues with ME. I ain't going back to someone and attempt to earn back that trust when I can just. JUST. move on and live my own life.

Woe is me everyone! I had to just let him into my life, accepted him into my damn heart and now he abandoned me, taking that chunk of my heart with him.

I pray that all of us can get over these heartbreaks and breakups and these grieving moments. Moments? It feels like it's going to be an eternity bruh.

Honestly I don't care y'all. I don't care if you made mistakes in this relationship and if you think it's because of your mistakes that they broke up with you. I don't CARE if you think this is all on you. It ain't. If they broke up with you, things didn't work for THEM. you ain't even the issue here y'all. Y'all aren't the damn PROBLEM.

And even if that's the case, don't even try to blame yourself for that :( you did your best 🫂 you really did your best. 🫂

I wish we all can slowly pick ourselves up out of this mess and be happy once again. Because I'm telling you, WE DONT DESERVE THIS.

WE don't deserve to see ourselves in pain and to put ourselves in that same painful situation over and over again when our ex is just happy they don't have us to worry about anymore.

That's honestly so insulting. SO SO. RUDE. He has known me for only 8-9 months. And then broke up with me. Bruh.

Im just disappointed. Very disappointed that I still love that asshole. But I hope one day I can hate that asshole. Loving or hating idc anymore I just want OUT OF HERE. GOD.