Long story for you to analyse a very interesting psychological trait.

Man, I already feel like an attention seeker even before writing it.

There are people that's suffering from worse things and here I am, with decent condition and warm food, whining about my mental health because I'm fucking weak, ungrateful, and spoiled brat.

I don't have any original ideas in what to say in conversations. I feel like I'm just saying what I learned from others. I also have all these thoughts, and ideologies that I'm scared of. For example, I use people. I only network and be friends with people that I think would be beneficial to me. I also don't sympathize with the homeless. In my head, I think that they are all just lazy and dangerous people who are in this situation at their own choice. Thus we shouldn't pity them at all. But from a moral perspective, we should help them, and pity the ones that are in hard situations. But I don't feel pity. That's how strongly I believe in effectiveness and in rejection of weakness. So, obviously I hide these aspect of mine. What I would call it, my " dark side". Once during a very big argument with my mom, I revealed this side and I remember seeing her being so shocked about it. There is a recording in her phone of the argument where, you can see me begging her for forgiveness then instantly changing my personality by becoming very violently verbal.

I was shocked, too.

I feel like the black sheep and the bad guy for having this kind of ideas. I hate my younger sister. She's 9 years old. She does everything I hate but my brother never angers me. I never had decent friend till I decided to change my real personality. Probably because I'm scared of the fact that everyone will hate me to the core when they see this disturbing side of mine. And they will leave in the end, just like how I was being outcasted in every goddamn "friendship" till I was 13.

It's probably because I was being beaten up by my mother a lot that's why I had trouble communicating in "normal" way with other kids. You know, when you're young and you're being beaten up, you only think that it was something that was wrong with YOU, that's why you're being beaten up like that.

So after growing up, I got to understand things a bit better now, I wanted to stand up to myself. So one time, when my mother tried to unlock the door with knife in her alcoholic state, I called child therapist because I was so scared. Because I didn't know what to do, the therapist told me that the best option would be to call the police. I eventually said okay because having called police many times on my parent's argument before and nothing happened, I thought nothing would happen. But after the police report, they decided to put her in jail for like few months. Which would have left a criminal record.

Because of that, she just became a whole different person. If i tried to get near her, she would almost kill me. I don't remember that much but I was just like a person that ruined her entire life. I've never seen her more depressed. One time, she drank whole big pills and we had to call emergency to save her life. She also tried to go to my school to tell everyone about how i tried to put her in jail.

YOU WHERE THE ONE WHO CAUSED IT AND WHY AM I SUFFERING IT?

Of course, I had to say sorry and cry million times. I didn't tell anyone about this. I mean, why would anyone wanna be with someone that had this much shit? No one would want to be trauma dumped right? No friend, even the best ones, would willingly try to help them. Even if they say it's okay, they would still try to have their distance somewhat.

After that incident, I gradually stopped playing violin. Then thing that helped me the most, the thing that helped me find my dream. The thing that helped me connect with myself. The only thing, that helped me keep me sane.

It got even worse after I moved abroad. Didn't understand the language, my grades dropped. My dream was to get into Yale. I missed my friends that I made after my " personality" change, they were really nice. But the student's at new school was outcasting me, again. You know, where they would gossip about me being weird and mentally ill because I complimented a girl's body once "i'm a girl". I was being convicted again. I guess that kind of shook my trauma a bit. So I decided to change schools.

You know I hate my sister right? Because of the isolation I was facing at my school, the mother incident trauma resurface, and fear of not being able to reach my dream after all these years of hardwork just due to this bad grade that I've got from foreign school, my mental state kind of gotten worse I think.

So in that time, I snapped at my spoiled sister. I beat her up. My mother used to beat me up but why isn't she doing the same to her? I thought that I needed to discipline her so I can discispline her just like how my mother turned me to become an obedient and good child. It was furstrating to see her be kind and loving to her, only. Yeah it was hard to accept the fact that she really DID love her more, because being pregnant with me was the reason why she had to stay with my dad.

So I couldn't love her anymore. In the past I used to love her, pity her, and blame myself. But now the more i grow up, the more i hate her. Because society see people who has bad relationship with their family as bad, I just feel like I'm turning into a monster.

I hate it when I like someone. Because I hate it when I feel awkward or don't feel confident with myself. Because I can just feel them laughing at me.

I have to send my application this january. I'm thinking, that in this fucked up mental state and twisted monster I am, I wouldn't be able to reach my dream. My grades are shit. My hopes are shattered. I do like my friends. But they will too, probably turn their back to me when they discover this ugly side of mine.

Yeah, in the end, I probably just ended up victimizing myself like " omg i'm so miserable.". But yeah I mean, I'm just stating facts to give better understanding. Up to you to believe or not.Probably no one will read this annoying trauma dump venting of a fucked up stranger. I'll just post it cuz I already went this far. Anyone feel free in giving some opinions, experience, ideas, or advices completely welcome. Since I got no lead or help from anyone anyways.