Relationship advice, lost and confused? (34m) (30f)

My partner (34) and I (30) have been together for almost 3 years and we have a 9 month old baby and also I have a daughter from a previous relationship she’s almost 4. I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone. I’m overly affectionate/sensitive, he’s more dry and emotionless with specific things. Mainly when it comes to me not much with the kids (he’s an amazing father)

He doesn’t show affection first, even if I say to hold my hand he’ll reject me. At times he’ll have no problem other times it’s just straight no and it burns. I always tell myself how difficult is it to just hold someone’s hand? He doesn’t have sex with me if I want it, only when he does and that’s 80% of the time. He doesn’t plan dates and sometimes I make the excuse it’s because we have the kids and I get it but we have baby sisters if we need at all times.

When we get into arguments he doesn’t seem to care about how he talks to me, what he says, his tone is just rude and dry and I’m an overly reactive person and I tend to get into it and start crying and my anxiety hits the roof and it’s done for me. I zone out and he knows I suffer from anxiety, adhd and stims. I tend to dig my nails into my skin when I get anxiety or I’ll shut out the world and go numb.

I don’t want to feel like this anymore, I’ve never cared so much about how someone treats me and their reaction to things until I’ve been with him. He’s an amazing person don’t get me wrong, we were goos fiends for a couple of years before we dated. He was single for 10 years before dating me and I had just got out of a toxic relationship. But I knew he was my person, we’re more best friends then a couple at times which some people will think that’s wonderful, but I want to be touched, I want flowers, I want to go on dates, I want to be spoken to nicely with respect.

This is my vent, and I’m currently sitting in my car crying because we had an argument this morning while I dropped the kids to school because he went calling me selfish because he wanted to book a massage the day he picks up the kids and I’m working. I told him I can’t Friday to pls arrange for Thursday as I can pick them up then and he went off saying I’m selfish but I’m the most selfless person. I watch out for everyone before myself and that stabbed me in the heart and I’m just honestly sad. I’m sad.

Am I overthinking it help