I am falling in love with another man while I’m married

I (33F) have been with my husband (34M) for almost a decade. He is a good man. Overall we have had a great relationship, he’s treated me better than anyone in my life. He loves me so deeply and I know this. However, life is not perfect and we have had our differences over time and the last couple of years haven been rough on us. Things outside of our control has happened that have had a negative impact on us individually and as a couple. Earlier this year our fights got worse and I felt a growing resentment from him toward me. My mental health was bad. I was not a good partner during this time. I don’t blame him but the way he treated me during this time had an impact on how I felt about us. I felt lower than I have in my entire life. Felt like giving up entirely on everything. I withdrew from all of my relationships and fell into a deep depression.

Then, in an attempt at just talking to someone outside of my world, I randomly texted an old friend who used to have feelings for me. I never truly felt the same as we were young at the time and things were different back then. But I knew he understood the sad I felt. I just needed to connect with fucking someone.

After I reached out initially I found out he was fresh out of a relationship. We texted everyday. We saw each other while my husband was out of town. Nothing happened, we went for a walk and spent the day at the park catching up and talking. It was magical. I have never wanted to hear someone talk like that before, I just got lost in his words while he spoke about his life and I could see the amazing man he grew to be. I was just in awe being around him.

There was a spark.

After texting everyday and seeing each other another time, I cut things off after about a month and a half after I had initially reached out. Because while this was unfolding my husband came around to wanting to improve our relationship. He really was putting 110% effort into a lot of things for us. He still is. Things again are not perfect by any means and we still have our fundamental problems. I have questioned if we can come back from the hurt we’ve been through together and I honestly don’t know. But I am aware that this foresight could be stemming from my intense feelings for this other man. I felt guilty so I cut things off with the other man in efforts to focus on working on my marriage.

So for two months we did not speak. I cried nearly every single day. I missed him so much, so unbelievably much. My heart just ached to have him be a part of my life. I tried to put an effort into focusing on improving my marriage and in some ways I believed things could be better and wanted to make it work with my husband. But I could not stop thinking about this other man the whole time. It ate at me so much.

I reached back out a couple of weeks ago. He feels the same way. There is a fire between us that we cannot deny and have never felt this way about anymore before in my life. I’ve been in love a couple of times, and each time has been different. This is another level of passion that I have never felt. I am in love with this man.

My husband is unaware of any of this. I understand what I’ve done is terrible and I should have never reached out to this man in the first place. But I was pretty close to the edge if you know what I’m saying and just didn’t expect to fall in love with someone else as the outcome. But now I am and it is torture because I can’t live this way. I can’t fathom uprooting my entire life and just destroying my husband so I can be with this other man. But I can’t let go of being in love with someone else. I see a life with him and I want to explore these feelings soooo badly.

For the record I have not physically cheated on my husband ever and this other man respects my boundaries and the fact that I am married. But we both understand this can’t continue for long the way things are. I know this. I am paralyzed at what to do.