Is it possible to get better?

This is going to be a jumbled mess. Normally I just write to myself about this, but I need support. Bare with me because half of it probably won't make sense and I'll jump all over the place with my thoughts.

I've tried all the antidepressants, spravato included. Years of therapy, but I'm not getting better. I feel like I'm getting worse. Have people actually had success in coming out of this on the other side? Have people learned to live and find joy?

I have survived a lot of sexual, physical, mental abuses. But I don't feel like I have survived. I don't feel like I'm here or truly exist. I feel like I can just crumble or fall though the earth. The sky scares me now because I get the sensation that I'm going to float off into nothingness. I'm scared of airplanes flying above me, cars on the road, thunderstorms, a lot of things that I just had small fears of I'm now terrified of to the point of panic attacks. I have been especially suicidal since I became pregnant with my now 1 year old. I stopped birth control, got pregnant, had to immediately stop taking all my medications and esketamine treatments all at once, pregnancy hormones on top of all of that. It messed me up worse than ever. I have always been depressed and anxious, since as far back as I can remember. I remember the feeling of dissociating as a child. I have never really felt real or alive. When I got pregnant everything amplified. I actually attempted suicide after having her. I changed a lot when I got pregnant, I became someone I do not know. I am trying harder than ever to get better, yet I feel like the harder I try, the further down I fall. I am in constant fear. I sometimes wish I was dead because I'm exhausted and feel hopeless, yet I'm horrified of dying, as if something is going to kill me at any moment before I can ever learn to actually live and be happy. I'm 32 and I feel like I'm having a midlife/existential crisis. I keep thinking I'm already 32 and what should have been the best years of my life are gone and I will NEVER get that time back. I cannot go until 60 years old and die of a heart attack having never been happy what seems like not even a day in my life. This is really hard for me to write right now, I'm dissociating bad, panicking, and feel like I'm going to combust. I've always hated myself. I've been beaten and raped by many people, even recently. I'm not sure why I deserved any of it,(some of it maybe I did..) but it keeps happening so I guess I do? No no I don't. I wouldn't say that anyone reading this deserves it. Why has all of this happened to me? I struggle trying to rationalize it all everyday. Horrific memories and sensations flood through my veins on the daily. I want to truly FEEL love and affection that I give to my children and feel it back from them. I know I'm a great mom and I know I do love them. I take great care of them, but they deserve better than the emptiness that is inside me. Looking around is like watching a blurred movie that I can't focus on. I'm not hearing, seeing, feeling, smelling, not apart of it. Yes I can see, yes I can feel, smell, touch, but not REALLY. My memories are fading, the only things I can really remember anymore are awful, dreadful traumas. I want to be able to remember joyous moments with my children more than anything. But if they weren't beside me most of the time I feel like I wouldn't even remember their faces. Loneliness is eating me alive. Am I really lonely or is it my mental health doing this to me? I crave affection, attention, someone fucking help me feel alive!!! Someone grab me by the wrist and pull me from this nightmare dimension, it is cold, dark, and lonely. Self-harm feels good even though it hurts. Shivers run through my body as I think of.... I don't know. My mind blocks it out. Catch me as I'm falling and hold me while I regain my balance (do you understand this feeling?) There are many things I want to do. I want to get my house clean, spend time with my children, make new friends, go out and have fun, start my small business, brush my teeth even. But I'm always being held down, held back, not able to reach what I have my arms outstretched toward. Is this hell? Did I die and I am being punished for sins I committed in life? My husband says he has never felt fake or like he doesn't really exist. What does that feel like? My heart just felt like it was going to burst from my chest as I wrote that. Is fighting worth it? Is continuing worth it? I cannot go on for what feels like forever in this state. I cannot afford to have therapy anymore and I'm fucking terrified. I'm terrified of every moment, of everyday. When will be the next time I'm hurt? When will I be raped or beaten again? When will someone or something else I love be taken away from me again? Stop hurting me! Stop Stop Stop make it stop please! Let me live, let me have some happiness please! I've struggled every single fucking day of my life to just open my eyes. Why am I not apart of existence? Has anyone felt that way and then... one day you feel alive finally? I'm lost and wish I could be saved... I am trying to save myself, I really am, but I'm failing over and over and over.