I don't want to get better

I'm really tired and honestly wish my mental health would deteriorate to a point where I end it. I know that's fucked up to even think but it just isn't worth it, why try so hard when all life does is throw pain my way. Granted a lot of that pain is self inflicted by my own fucked up brain, but when I'm stuck with this brain and the constant intropunitive thoughts what am I supposed to do.

I have a cousin who I see usually weekly and honestly without him I probably would have got there already. He doesn't know about any of this and other than him I don't have anyone to talk to. I know he'd be fine listening but it's just one pure relationship where my depression isn't constantly an elephant in the room

Other than him any time I try to make friends or get in a relationship it's failure after failure after failure. The friendships failing hurt more than the relationships honestly. I had a best friend since elementary school who stopped talking to me because he smoked too much weed, blamed me and "accepted" my apology while never wanting to hang out again.

It's something about me, I know it is. Maybe if I went to therapy and really put the time and effort I'd be able to fix whatever it is that makes people not want me around, but honestly my biggest fear is going through all that and still being told "Yea lets do that!" without any intentions of doing it. Or finding out people you thought you were close with don't waste a second thought on you unless you're in front of them or they need something

I'm just done and I hope I don't force myself to suffer through it too long one way or another