I hate my family, but feel guilty about it

I have always hated being around them. They have been the source of my anxiety and depression for a long time.

My sister is 8 years older than me and has a lot of trouble holding in her emotions. She’s rude and projects her stress on us.

My mom is an image-obsessed control freak who cannot let out one breath without a criticism following it.

I live with both of them and I’m currently stuck on vacation with them. My sister and mom keep bickering, and it ruins the whole thing for me. I feel like I’m in constant panic mode being the mediator to these arguments and stepping around my sister’s razor thin stress trigger. I’m counting down the days until I go home.

I hate them. I love them too though. I have good memories with them, and they are obviously my family so I kinda just have to. But I have to admit, if I was not related to them, I would never want to be involved with these people.

I’m not perfect either, but at least I’m the one going to therapy and trying to learn to communicate better with them. They just continue on being toxic despite me trying to tell them therapy will help. It’s to the point I feel scared being around them.

Just needed to rant. Because I cannot hold myself together longer if I don’t. Two people I just cannot stand being around

Added the TW in case anyone finds family trauma triggering - wasn’t sure if I used it right though!