What happened to me?

Hi all. I need some assurance. Or maybe just to tell my story. I originally followed this sub because I was in an abusive marriage but I’m out, divorce is progressing slowly and I’m doing better. As I try to heal, I’ve had something else that happened on my mind a lot. I came here to see what strangers have to say. I need to know if I was sexually assaulted by my SIL and BIL. I feel I know the answer but pushing it down all these years has me doubting myself.

I was with my ex for almost two decades. This happened about 8 years ago. I was in my early 30s.

I was in ex’s hometown helping his mom out for a few days (without my husband). My then-sister-in-law, Hannah and her husband, Allen (both about 4 years older than me) invited me to go out with them one night. I knew they were into drugs and partying. They had rave-style parties at their house regularly. I wasn’t a fan but ex was and pressured me often to participate. (Separate longer story. I am so happy this isn’t part of my life now. I always hated it.) He would purchase them from her sister. Hannah and Allen had seen what a lightweight I was several times.

I rode with them and as we parked, she handed me mushrooms. She told me they were pretty good but I was nervous because she also talked about how she did them more than half the days of the week and she is fine to drive, take care of her kids, whatever. Basically she’s a pro. (Also often takes acid, MDMA, coke, dunno what else). I literally put it in my mouth, pretended to chew it up and then spit it out when they weren’t looking and slid it in my pocket. I hoped whatever got in my system would be fine. I didn’t want to be high and I knew my husband would be furious. I was afraid of him and had told him I wouldn’t take anything if Hannah offered.

We went to a bar with live music and lots of their friends. My awkward self was trying to pretend I was stoned. Hannah bought me lots of shots of tequila, her drink of choice. As the night progressed, she wanted me to take more. My guard was down at this point and, sadly, I did it actually ingesting it this time.

Later, when we got home and I was pretty screwed up, Allen started wrestling with me and being flirtatious. Hannah got a blanket and brought it outside for all of us to lay on and look at the stars. I really can’t recall what happened next. I remember her rubbing on me and that I felt really good laying out there. I know I went down on her. This is a big part of why I blame myself. I don’t even think she went down on me. The next thing I knew, her husband was having sex with me.

I don’t remember going to bed but I woke up in bed with them the next day. I think they played with me a little more and they were laughing and telling me about how they’ve played with lots of their friends before and one was so mad that she never talked to them again or came back to get a piece of jewelry she had left. They though it was funny. Hannah told me that her brother can never know what happened and they rushed me out, saying their kids would be awake soon.

I went back to MIL’s house feeling sick, confused, guilty, anxious. I lied to my husband about taking drugs in the first place and left out how the night ended. We were fighting because I hadn’t communicated with him well. I was so lost that I actually went back to visit Hannah and Allen later in the day because I had some kind of need to be around someone who knew it had happened and maybe some reassurance. At this point, my biggest concern was that I had cheated. With my then-husbands family. I felt disgusting. They reminded me not to tell him and brushed me off.

Since this time, I’ve spent many nights and showers and drives going over the events and trying to understand how I feel and if I was a victim or just drunk and stupid. I hated family gatherings. My marriage was abusive to the point I wanted to die and I ended up leaving because he was physically abusive to the point I knew I wouldn’t survive much longer. But, before this event, I never cheated. After, I did several times with strangers.

Something that adds to the confusion is that she was the only person in that family who was ever kind to me and seemed to sort of care what her brother was doing to me. Now, further removed from the situation, I blame all of them for turning a blind eye to what was happening. I trusted them. They were family. But I was an adult and I put myself in a stupid situation and I participated. My feelings are super confused and I’d love to hear some input from you guys.