How to mourn an abusive parent

New here. Didn’t know where to post this, so here I am.

My father died a few months ago. He abused me my entire life, and now I have no idea how to mourn. Most people won’t understand, which makes me happy, but I need support or feedback from someone.

I feel guilty all the time because I’m happy he’s gone. You don’t know how hard it is even to type that, let alone say it out loud. At first, I was overwhelmed by sadness and relief. When you live with a monster your whole life, it’s hard to believe they are gone.

Other people do their best, give all the standard advice, but it just makes me feel worse. Every time I think back about him, I have no good memories. I tried and tried to think of something, but I end up in the same place—sad and embarrassed at how I let him use me and discard me when he was done (never sexually). I gave him every excuse and chance to change, but he didn’t.

I’ve been very good at forgetting all the pain and letting go. The downside is that I forget until I start thinking about it because that’s how I’ve coped my whole life. Now that he’s gone, I’m happy, which leads to guilt. Sometimes I forget he’s gone and ask, “I wonder when he’ll call and ask for money.” Being relieved that your dad is dead is so hard.

I feel like I lost a son or dependent. I told my therapist, and he said that’s normal in these situations. While that is good to hear, it also makes me sad because I still believed in him no matter how evil he truly was. Even to this day, I defend him.

Sadder still, I’m not sure how to put down this weight and belief that he could change. All the love and hope I have/had for him is so much. Going through all the memories I forgot makes it hard. Forgiving yourself over and over again is hard. Loving unconditionally is hard.

I’ve been using things to numb myself, but it just makes it worse (CBD/THC). My family is worried about me, and I’m worried about myself. I hate making people sad, I hate being pitied, I hate that everything is so backwards. I’m just tired the weight I’ve carried for so long but at the same time it is like removing a piece of myself.

I’m not sure what to do.

P.S. I am safe, and I go to therapy. I know how to cope, but this is different.