I am too attached to my husband

My husband and I met in 2020 and married in 2022. We were in a long distance relationship but after a few months of our marriage, he moved to the country I reside in.

During our long distance relationship, as any other couple do, we would get in to intense arguments, which would result in him saying degrading things to me and me saying them back to him and his family. The base of our arguments was usually him accusing me of speaking to other men, which I always gave him reassurance about, that I was not doing nor would I ever do that. As time went on, our arguments got worse and worse along with his accusations.

I take accountability that I also provoked him. An example of this is, a time he took my phone, I snatched it back from him and wouldn’t allow him to take it back from me. I know it sounds bad but, it was not because I was cheating or had anything bad to hide - it’s simply because I was planning a surprise for him with my sister and was afraid that he’d see those messages. I explained this to him several times but, till day, he does not believe me and thinks I had messages from other men that I was hiding.

After my husband arrived to this country, I fell pregnant after 2 months and despite having a ‘healthy’ relationship for a while, it started to become toxic again. I noticed that my husband was losing interest in me however, he did still love me. Our arguments had began to escalate, resulting in him often raising his hands on me and me pushing and shoving back. My pushing and shoving is also something that gets used against me and I’m told by him that I ‘hit’ him even though that wasn’t the case.

All of this abuse was happening whilst I was pregnant, causing my baby’s growth to completely stop. We even had an argument before I went in to labour as he thought I was hiding things from him and I responded with silence.

I fell in to a deep post partum depression, I had extreme suicidal thoughts but I received no support from my husband. Instead, he physically abused me just a few days after my son was born to which I responded with by screaming, hitting myself, slapping myself, pulling my hair and pushing him again and again.

Fast forward to now, when me and my husband are good, we are extremely good and I feel like we’re the most healthy couple ever. However, I am overly attached to this man. I love him more than I should and I prioritise him in everything. I try to support him in every way that I can but it’s never good enough. Due to all the trauma in our relationship, I seek constant reassurance from him, words and actions of affection but this is something he is unable to give me. His excuse is ‘I can’t express my feelings’ but, there was a point where he could. He would tell me how much he loved me. How much I meant to him but now my ears yearn just to hear a mere compliment from him. He has no interest in me and is happiest when I am not speaking to him.

I have become toxic. If he is away from me for a few hours, I feel like my world is coming to an end. If he is completely silent, I feel like I’ve done something wrong and stay up all night blaming myself and hating myself.

I constantly try to make conversations with him and sometimes he will have them back but other times, he doesn’t show interest, which is normal but for me, I feel like my world is crashing. I always want to be around him. One small word from him either makes or breaks my day.

If he doesn’t speak to me or doesn’t show me attention, I will become distant and become upset. I know it’s toxic hence I’m asking for help. Whilst I understand that being attached to our loved ones is a good thing, how do I detach myself from him? He likes to be alone all day and the second I try to communicate my feeling, it turns in to a fight.

Please help me and thank you if you read this far.

—————————-

Firstly, I would like to thank everyone for their support and words of encouragement. When I wrote this post yesterday, I was quite all over the place and missed out many, many points.

I have never asked my husband for a penny nor does he give me any. I contribute towards the household bills. There will be the odd occasion where he will do a food shop but, even then, I encourage him to not do this as I understand he is still settling in to work and do not wish to add any pressure to him.

He speaks to me very rudely for the smallest things. I try my best to please him. The house is always clean, clothes washed and ironed and ready for him, food is always made on time and on the table ready for him. I tell him I love him every single day, shower him with compliments, there have been times where I am extremely ill yet I still tend to him, forgetting my needs.

I have cried many times in front of him to tell him that all I want is his attention and his time. I encourage him to spend time with his friends, involve himself in social activities and even go for daily walks. I’m explaining this so nobody thinks that I want him to be fixated on me 24/7. But, all I ask from him is when he is home, to give me some time, words of affection but, I don’t get this.

I have an unhealthy obsession with him. All I think about is him, all I want to do is speak to him. My husband has accused me of committing adultery without any solid proof, just a few days after our marriage. My husband has spat in my face, calling me unworthy. If I have ever reacted to any of this by pushing, shoving him back or even saying something degrading back, it is used against me.

I never ask him to take me out to any fancy restaurants, I have never asked him for anything. I buy myself things and pretend that they are from him just to show my family how much he cares for me. I am fixated on him and I want to get out of this.

I know a lot of you are saying to leave him but it’s very difficult for me to do so. He is a great father and has an amazing relationship with our son, he is very hands on and will give our son affection. It sounds stupid but at times, I wish he would show me that same affection.

Due to my obsession, I also don’t wish to leave him because despite all that he puts me through, I still care for him and don’t want him to be alone in this foreign country, where he has no family. There was a time that he was caught cheating on me by my cousin but my husband denied this completely and instead, physically assaulted me whilst I was pregnant. This then caused me to react by breaking things in the house - I know, it’s wrong but I’m a human. In the time that I needed comfort, why did he still have the upper hand? So, I stopped speaking with my cousin and decided to believe my husband and began to comfort him instead.

I can go on and on about the amount of arguments we have had and the things he had done as a result of those arguments but, there’s no point. I am at that point where I hate myself and feel like it is me asking for too much. Perhaps it’s me who’s too needy.