N-mother triggers me then proceeds to “care”

Trigger warning: suicidal ideations

So I’ve already been anxious as hell last night to the point I had to take my emergency meds. Ironically enough this didn’t even start remotely about my mother. It just ended that way because she is just so unbothered by everything and anything that isn’t to do with her, or anything to do with me.

I’m already anxious because something might be wrong with my dog. My only lifeline to sanity as I barely have social interactions in person with anyone actually close to me (by no fault of their own they all have lives). But me foolishly thinking my mom seems to have made any recovery from her narcissisism was anything but foolish thinking. Which I don’t know why I keep hoping.

At some point where I’m trying to get a ride to the vet for my dog cause I’m beyond scared she is sick i spit out just how unbothered she is by everything to do with me. From my ongoing suicidal tendencies since middle school to even me leaving my dog behind for a year and a half (which anyone who knows me knows I would never do) because I had managed to get myself into an abusive relationship.

The entire exchange literally ended with me in a fetal position repeating the suicidal mantras of “I should just die” “I can throw myself off right now” etc. when I feel I am remotely safe enough to move that I won’t hurt myself I go to my room. Only for her to soon come at me with “where is Nutella I’m going to walk her, you can’t take her in this state” IM SORRY WHAT?! You mean the state you drove me to and NOW you “care”?? It’s fucking disgusting. It’s like edging but with someone’s mind and life. Seeing how close she can get without me killing myself or snapping and punching her out. Which i arguably came close but thank god for my therapy. I have NEVER hit her, and I don’t plan to. I’m not in the best position to begin with so that won’t end any better.

I’m only posting here because since that abusive relationship those two friends have recently had things in their lives that require and need much more attention than me and I don’t want to bother them. Being epileptic I already feel like a burden. I do have a boyfriend and he helps but there is only so much he can do in all honesty.