Help my relationship

I need a stranger on the internet to say something profound because I’m lost.

My husband and I have been together for 15 years and we have a 5F, 4M & 2M. I’m a SAHM which has always been our goal to be for as long as we can afford it, we sacrifice a lot on our end but we don’t care because our kids can do the activities they want, we live on a house with property away from the city so they can run, we live next door to my in laws and their friends live all around our quiet block. My kids are growing up in a setting we feel so grateful for.

Our #3 wasn’t planned and was a welcome surprise to me and a not so welcome surprise to my husband. I was happy until I saw how scared and unhappy he was. We talked a lot about it and I ended up getting prenatal depression from it. We had an abortion booked and we backed out thankfully 🙏🏻 our third turned out to be a total daddy’s boy and every day I look at him feeling so lucky he’s here. My husband came on board pretty quickly once we cancelled the abortion, I think he had to because I developed prenatal depression for my first trimester because of how scared he was at first. I knew at the time my son would be our last because my husband said, we can’t let this happen again and how he would feel done after our 3rd.

Well, the universe threw us another curveball the night before my husbands birthday in April and I was pregnant again. This time there wasn’t happiness right away from me but dread to tell my husband. I told him and he was in denial, then he started looking up abortion right away. We talked it over for two weeks non stop. Going back and forth, I begged him to support me because I was scared, I was scared that an abortion would effect me mentally, I told him I want him to want this baby because I know I would feel more calm if he was on board, I told him how upset I would feel knowing I was aborting something that would turn into one of our three kids, how that was emotionally effecting me, how much our kids want a sibling. My husband would get on board and I would wrap my head around it then 12 hours he would come to me crying saying he couldn’t do it. Then he would text me in the morning saying, “we’re having this baby and we won’t talk about it anymore” and then come home after work saying we can’t. He would hug me and say congratulations then 20 minutes later say he still wasn’t sure. It was a total emotional mindfuck but it was so clear he was struggling. Finally, on our last discussion he said he “would go through with it so I wouldn’t be affected emotionally and that he would surely love it when it came but he didn’t want this.” In that moment I realized I couldn’t have a baby with someone who didn’t want them, it wasn’t fair to the baby, my husband or myself. His reasoning for not having another was incredibly logical: We are barely getting by as is We would have to cut back on our kids things they like to do for another Our kids would get less time with us and he wants to start enjoying more one on one time with them now that our youngest is getting a bit more independent He doesn’t want to start over I’m a SAHM but would likely have to go back to work which would take time away from all our kids when that’s not what we had wanted

His reasoning made sense, I went ahead with the abortion. Weeks after I was crying every day, waking up in the middle of the night wishing I was dead, hating myself, I still do at times but I started to get a bit better, until my husband got a vasectomy last month. He didn’t want a repeat of what happened and said that the pregnancy made him realize how done he was, meanwhile it made me realize how much I wasn’t done. Now I’m even more upset, my husband said “well ultimately it was your decision to have an abortion or not, I couldn’t force you.” When he all but did with his comments and feelings, I know it has to be two yes’s or it’s a no. I also know it’s his body and his choice but I needed that lifeline knowing that if he ever changed his mind we could have another, but clearly he won’t.

To make matters worse, since that time we’ve found out that 3 of our family members are pregnant and due at the same time we would have been, including my sister in law. So we’ll always have a living proof what we would be at with them. I know these births are going to set me back if I make any progress by January.

Now I’m mad at my husband. Our relationship hasn’t been normal since. He showers me with love and affection and all I can do is force a smile. He’s trying and I just don’t feel anything in the moment. I need to get back to normal, I need to feel love and happiness towards my husband but all I feel is numb :( I’m not willing to throw my family away for a non existent child but I don’t know how to move on, it’s not fair to my husband to keep him at a distance :( but everytime I look at him I feel upset that I didn’t have his support and they I’m not pregnant now