I dont feel desirable if I'm not a child

Im 19F, still pretty young, but no longer a minor. As a child I've been through grooming and sexual harassment, particularly from 2 men I trusted, but nothing too severe I'd say.

For some unexplainable reason I want to be "groomed" again . I want to experience sexual love from an adult as a child again and I'm not ready to be seen as a woman. As soon as I put makeup on or dress like a grown up I feel like a disgusting whore and I cant look at myself in the mirror. I want to be naive and innocent again and not be on guard all the time. But I know its not possible. I smell predators from a mile away nowadays. And still I'm longing for that familiar feeling so much.