Source
r/Advice•
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I'm caught in a frustrating catch-22 about speaking.

I've always been a pretty quiet person. This partially due to shyness, and partially because I choose not to speak unless I feel I have something worth contributing. However, this has often meant that I've been chided for being too quiet.

In the last several years, I've made more of an effort to speak more, and in so doing share potentially interesting/useful things with the people to whom I am close. Unfortunately, it seems like I get smacked down about half the time. I'm frequently told that I don't know what I'm talking about, asked to prove my self or my actions step-by-step (even if it's just directions to the local library or changing a tire). I know everyone is fallible, but this happens pretty much daily recently, and it happens even when I know I'm right about easily verifiable facts.

More often, I'm just flatly dismissed. If I mention that I like to tinker with various Linux distros, I'm told "I don't know why you try, you don't need it and you'll just ruin your computer." If I mention a game I think they might enjoy, I'm told that it's a waste of time and that I'm too interested in it because I'm autistic. (There is a strong possibility that I'm on the spectrum, but I've never been tested, and anyway that's both incorrect and insulting.) If I mention that I'm interested in learning how to vegetarian dishes, I'm told that I'm a terrible cook and too fat to be a vegetarian.

It really seems that no matter what I do, I'll be criticized for it. I try not to take it personally, but it's been going on for years now, and it's intensely frustrating. If I could stop spending time with them, I would, but they're family, so that's not an option. (I've had to move back in with my parents following serious illness. My brother also lives at home while he goes to school; he -- and to a lesser extent, my dad -- are very negative toward my mom and I. My friends and former colleagues never seemed to have such issues with me whether I spoke or not.)

What would you suggest? We tried family counseling several years ago, but it didn't accomplish any lasting change, and provided more fodder for negativity/bitterness from the hostile members of my family.

Posted May 15, 2013, 8:31 PM UTC

12
lethice•

Sounds like your family is not being very supportive (aka being a bunch of dickheads). It seems like you might not have the means to leave, right now, so I'd probably just start making some friends and stop talking to your family. Look to make some lasting friendships so that you can move out with someone as a roommate, that'll help defray the costs.

It might seem a bit extreme to just stop talking to them, but there's little enough that you can do to change them--you can only change yourself.

My suggestion is: talk to them about necessities only, no small talk, no chit-chat, no how-was-your-day. If they're just going to be cunts to you, then why bother? Make those good friendships and get the fuck away from these poisonous people.

2
the_glass_gecko•

I'd say spend more time with friends or see if there's somewhere you could get a job or volunteer to expand your social circle. Your family really sounds like a bunch of jerks if this is the way they talk to you, regardless of any degree of autism or being quieter before. It's really great that you're learning to push yourself out of your comfort zone and speak up about things, and it's sad that they can't support you in that.

What interests you? What are your hobbies? Maybe you can find a club or organization to spend time at rather than at home, and make new friends that appreciate what you have to say. Explaining yourself and taking criticisms is part of normal conversation, but it shouldn't be the bulk of it, especially with family.

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

1