I dont wanna quit

So ive had many chs episodes since I was 16. Im extremely sensitive and took barely any time smoking before i had my first episode. Which I thought was "withdrawls" it was not. Now I know. Anyways- fast forward when I finally found out about chs around 2ish months ago maybe a bit longer. I decided smoking maybe once a week will be fine. It was- mostly, until i got careless of course and pushed it. Ive been sick past 2 days, no where NEAR a full episode. Feels like the forst stage of just lotta tummy pain, trouble eating, nausea and such. Suffering bahahhaha, anyways. Im gonna be more strict, only do it once a week later on like i originally said. Because its impossible for me to quit, to be honest. I have a lotta mental health shit, smoking is the only time it feels like im "normal" when my 50+ trains of thoughts and voices in my head most of which angry at myself go away and only focus on one thing at a time. Idk, but all I know is i cant quit. Im 18, turning 19 soon. Im absolutely going to go back to it but ill use this small mini episode as warning not to overindulge. But fuck, I hate this. Do y'all think if I smoke again in a week or so this will come back? Or do I need to wait longer.