Realizing a friendship is triggering my delusions

I’ve only been figuring out my symptoms over the past 2 months. Recently I’ve been talking more to a friend of mine from high school again because I have more social energy to, and have been lonely after a really intense break up with my partner who’s in a mental health crisis.

I mentioned to this friend that it’s likely I have a psychotic illness which he was very chill and understanding about, which felt nice and a bit surprising because he’s one of my more sheltered friends. In high school I was mostly friends with really sheltered autistic kids, being a non-sheltered autistic kid.

But as I’ve been reconnecting with him I’ve been realizing why it’s so hard to talk to him sometimes. He’s an abstract physicist. Since high school, all our conversations were theoretical on physics, existence, reality, and the universe. It’s one of my favorite things to talk about. It’s also my #1 delusion trigger.

All of my delusions are very DPDR, paranoid, philosophical. Over the past few days we’ll be having a great chill conversation about food or art, and then he sends strings of texts (which is normal in our dynamic) of philosophical questionings stated as fact. Talking about existence, identity, consciousness, reincarnation, strings of words I would loosely tie together, language, death, time travel.

It makes me feel like I’m losing it.

I loved those conversations in high school and I did take them too seriously, I had periods of time I’d be super susceptible to believing weird stuff. But I’m just different after I smoked weed 5 years ago. And it’s been so triggering for me, but it’s like a drug. I want to engage. But I’m trying to catch myself on that now that I know.

It’s the entire basis to our friendship and I really love those conversations, no one else really gets them like he does and in high school he always told me that no one got them like I do. But holy shit I’m gonna lose it if I go down that path.

I keep sort of giving non-responses. Sending things the subjects remind me of or telling him I don’t understand and sort of only half-reading them. And I really am good at that stuff. I love it. But I need to be stable right now and I’m having increased symptoms. The break up has been taking everything out of me and I can feel myself grasping at straws as I am also having increased mild hallucinations, magical thinking, nightmares, poor sleep. My psychiatrist is hopefully going to increase my antipsychotic dose, I only just started them.

Anyone else go through something similar?