First Page [439]

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1mgWzNHKPezuAjuIXKTvjH_M7wf-geiIDkjlS5QEeb3g/edit?usp=sharing

This is the opening page of a short story I'm writing. Any advice would be much appreciated. My previous critique is below is below:
[[2085] EOLA : r/DestructiveReaders (reddit.com)](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1e0i0jr/comment/ldtou6p/?context=3)