My boyfriend isnt enough for me and I feel so guilty

Ive (F) been dating my boyfriend for almost a year and a half at this point and Im really thinking about leaving him. I love him sosososo much as a person but I just cant help but shake the feeling that hes not enough for me.

All throughout our relationship hes been nothing but kind and compassionate but I keep looking back on times hes wronged me and made me feel awful, while continuing to do so (on a much smaller degree).

He hasnt brought me to orgasm throughout our entire relationship and the few times hes gotten close I was either drunk, high, or a mix of the 2, while also taking the lead during sex. Ive been so open about what works for me and what doesnt but somehow that hasnt worked. Everytime we have sex it feels like he puts his needs first, and will roll over and fall asleep without checking on me or anything (he also wont help me clean up unless I ask him and essentially spell out the cleaning task for him).

On top of that he wont communicate until I urge him to, he constantly asks me if I still love him if I dont text him back soon enough, and makes me feel like as if Id make his whole world explode if I were to ever leave him.

His insecurities have pressured me throughout our entire relationship and I just cant handle it. I feel like Ive grown while hes just stood on the sidelines feeling sorry for himself.

He tells me that he cant live without me and he cant wait to get married once we're old enough. But I dont feel the same way. Dont get me wrong I have at some point this past year and a half, I just think those feelings have withered away after some thinking.

His goals in life and lack of motivation to succeed really dont fit in with the plan Ive got for myself and thats something I cant compromise or settle on, I NEED to achieve what Ive planned and what Im currently working towards, there is, and will not be any in between.

I know after typing all of this out that I should probably break up with him (Im going over this with my therapist before I do anything about it or say anything about this to him 😭😭🙏) but Im so scared that he wont be okay afterwards, and that he wont be okay with being friends because i genuinely love him and want him in my life; just not romantically.

I know I kinda typed this out all messy so I apologize for that but my thoughts are very messy right now as well! If anyone has any advice I would love to hear it as I really dont know what Im going to do or how Im going to do it.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk! 😅🤗