Past problems

I never had a normal childhood. I was always mean, spoiled, and had absolutely zero self-awareness of how my actions affected others. It was probably because of brain damage that I wasn't able to develop into a more mature human being. Maybe by the end of this story, you'll think I deserved it.

Brain Damage? I can't remember it clearly, but when I was in elementary school, I was playing with the neighborhood kids. They had a hammock right outside their house. My friends in the neighborhood didn't really know how much I was struggling at school. I was basically an outcast and too weak to defend myself. I worried that the neighborhood would think the same way, so I tried to show them how tough I was by intentionally hitting my head on the ground. The ground was hard concrete, by the way, but I made it look like an accident, telling them things like, "Don't worry, I'm tough." I hit my head probably four times. I tried to do it a fifth time, but I felt dizzy and acted like my head wasn't hurting, even though I had a massive headache. I chose to ignore it. I heard about a story of Prichard Colon, who I think had brain damage because his opponent did an illegal move by hitting his head. I feel like that too. I'm 20 now, and sometimes I feel like I'm 12 or younger because the way I act is very immature, especially for a college student like me.

Story 1: I told the class I watched Korn for fun as a joke. Class introductions were always a nightmare for me. I would always stutter my words. The teacher told us to introduce ourselves in front of the class. The guy before me got everyone’s attention, and they were clapping for him. I hated it because it meant I had to keep the momentum going, or else people would think I was boring. So, when it was my turn to share three interesting facts about myself, I told them, and the entire class was silent. I think I was sweating a lot.

Story 2: My friends and I were having fun playing in the pool. There were a lot of us. When I was in the pool, I felt an itch, and like I said, I had zero self-awareness, so I scratched myself right in front of my friends. The worst part is that there were girls there too, and I think I lowered my shorts too low. I don’t know, but I think the girls saw me because when I scratched myself, they looked at me with disgust and seemed weirded out by me. After I got home, I started overthinking, like, do they think I'm a pervert now? Like someone who can’t control their urges? Even my friends made fun of me by sending guys with their shorts exposed. They didn’t mention me, but it felt like it was intentionally directed at me.

Story 3: My friends and I were standing by in an area usually used for PE class, but it hadn’t started yet, so we got some chairs to sit on while waiting for our class to begin. One of them showed me a picture of the girls' volleyball team, and their shorts were so small. I replied with something like, "Those shorts look like panties." One of my friends instantly left because I think he was too embarrassed to be hanging out with me. I really don’t pay much attention to my surroundings.

Story 4: It was one of my friends’ birthdays, and we had a party at my place. While the girls were in a separate room, probably watching TV, we boys were in another room chilling. I wasn’t aware that the walls were so thin that they could hear every word, even if we whispered. I told them I didn’t really like one girl. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but it was like gossiping and saying bad things about them without them knowing. Except they did know because when we went back upstairs, they were ridiculing me so hard. Even my friend’s mother started laughing too. I felt so embarrassed that I started thinking I wasn’t going to recover from this. It was traumatizing.

Note: All these stories happened when I was a college student, not in high school or elementary school. Yeah, I’m very immature for my age. I still hang out with these friends even after everything they did to me. It feels like I was the punching bag of the group, but I had no choice. It was either having cool friends or being a loner.

From all these stories, do you think it was my fault, or was it just a mistake or misunderstanding? I started overthinking, like maybe the whole school knew what type of person I am, even if they haven’t met me. It always feels like I have a developmental disorder (oh yeah, by the way, I have a huge bruise like a small mountain because of hitting my head on concrete too hard, and it’s still there to this day).

Right now, I’m 20 and trying everything I can to improve myself. I started exercising more, reading more about stoicism, and just overall trying to improve every part of my life. But every time I do it, I always have flashbacks of those embarrassing moments, making me lose my motivation to improve. How should I forgive myself?

Should I just tell all those people that what I did was wrong and that I was wrong? That I was stupid? Or should I just act like it was a mistake, not tell them, and move on, even though they will probably remind me of those embarrassing moments? I wonder if that’s normal for friends.