Letter to my parents

Sometimes I can't help dwelling back to my childhood and getting upset, so I hope this will will help me.

Baba, I know you and mum divorced because you abused her, yet you victimise yourself by saying you will never forgive her for not allowing you to see me and my sister grow up, though she never stopped you. You say you love me a lot, but i rarely say it back because i don't think i actually do, same with both my parents. I didn't really want to unblock you after our fight because i knew the issue would not actually be resolved because you cant face up to your mistakes, and i was right. Sometimes you ask me 'im not a bad person right?' 'you're not scared of me right?' i answer no but i mean yes. When we argue or i get upset you say stuff like 'should i just kill myself?'. You apologised for shouting but never for beating us, which you deny ever doing. You say our biggest issue is i dont know fluent turkish, you dont know fluent english but i have sent you multiple paragraphs detailing my hurt, translated into turkish, yet you still ignore it and say im causing myself psychological distress. Something that bothers me is you punishing me for what my sister did, such as not talking to me for a month because she got caught smoking weed. I feel somewhat bad for not really wanting a relationship with you because you don't have a lot of people in your life, but i think this is largely to your doing.

Anne, you raised me and my sister, twins, by yourself until we became adults. I know you suferred a lot, both of my parents did, but you have a lot of pain from my dad and from your mum dying when you were young. You were very stressed and depressed when we were children, but you took this out on us. You shouted at us a lot, and beat us a lot. To be honest i'm not too sure on the frequency because i think i blocked a large part of my childhood out, but my sister fills in some of the blanks. When i was 17, you hit me with a vaccum multiple times. I told you i would tell my counsellor about this, yet she didnt say anything. I told him, and police were informed. I knew this would happen, but i thought i'd be able to get out of that home because i could barely bare it anymore, but i don't think anything positive came out of that. You have brung this up multiple times, when the police were at our house you said 'just because i wouldnt let you shower for too long', you ignored the clear reason as to why police were called, you were a danger to me but instead of acknowledging this you continued to blame me. Not long after, i self harmed (not my first time) and you saw this. You had a very mixed reaction, you shouted, hit me, held scissors to your stomach, encouraged me to go gym so i can feel better, made fun of me, took a picture of my scars. You also punished me when my sister did something (she punished her too), when you couldnt get to her because she locked her door you came in my room and started screaming at me and throwing stuff at me. You also ignore the effects your actions have had on me, i called you while i was at uni and you said 'it makes me sad my daughter doesnt call me or her dad', i said 'why do you think that is', and you immediately ended the conversation. Throughout my childhood id had to listen to my parents threaten me, say they're going to kill me (apparently this is normal in turkey), say we ruined her life, say they hate us. My aunt called me recently and said to be nice to my mum. I do try, i try to stay calm and not say hurtful things in arguments, though i feel i dont get acknowledged for this, while my mum continues to let her anger control her. My auntie said my mum raised her siblings when her mum died, i see my mums struggles and how she worked really hard. She gave me and my sister shelter, food, etc, she worked really hard for us. I appreciate this, but i feel this isnt enough to be a good mother. I believe physically and verbally abusing your children automatically makes you a bad mum.

I struggle with my mental health and self harm, and wonder if this is due to my upbringing. However i still try to be the best person i can be.

TL;DR: Both my parents abused me when i was young, but im trying to navigate my trauma and learn how to accept the past, though i dont think i will ever forgive them, especially because they ignore their wrongdoings.