I lost it at my toddler today and I feel horrible

My kiddo is 2.5 and has some minor special needs, including an expressive speech delay. I’m a SAHM mom and I’ve been SO burnt out recently with all his various doctor appointments as well as SLP, OT, PT, etc. And having to constantly implement all the various therapy stuff by weaving it into our daily life and the way I parent. There’s also a bunch of other stressors in life (car died, trying for a second with IVF—that whole process AND having multiple failed transfers, stressing about finances of everything, my own chronic illness issues, etc.). And to top it off, my husband is out of town for work right now.

So my kid was up screaming in the middle of the night last night. And then has been tantruming over everything this morning (I tried to feed him the wrong piece of pasta from the bowl, he threw his toy on the floor and I told him he had to pick it himself, etc.). It was full-blown tears, snot everywhere, screaming and shrieking at the absolute top of his lungs type tantrums. And I was about to lose it. So I told him to come upstairs when he had called down, and went upstairs myself and tried to calm down, but I could still hear him screaming the whole time. I had to go change the laundry, so I went back downstairs. And I just lost it. I yelled at him to be quiet, and tried to get him to come upstairs to go for his nap, which he was resisting. So I kind of pushed him toward the stairs (not enough to hurt him, but still—not okay behaviour). And I yelled at him to just go up the stairs now.

I’ve never yelled at him before. Except when he was a newborn and wasn’t sleeping and I just screamed—not words, just a scream—bc I couldn’t handle it. Otherwise, I’ve always kept my patience or removed myself from the situation until I’m calm.

I feel like the worst mom. I can’t believe I snapped like that. I apologized to him over and over and explained why I was frustrated and also why my behaviour was wrong. And I couldn’t stop crying. He’s in his crib now jabbering away to himself happily (he’s supposed to be napping, but this is what he’s been doing instead lately haha). But I’m just so worried he’ll be scared of me or that I traumatized him or something. I just feel horrible. I’m so ashamed of myself.