Relapsing is on my mind all the time. ⚠️TW, very descriptive⚠️

Its always in the back of my mind. While I clean, while I drive, while I talk to others, while I listen to music, while I have sex. I always think about how all these things would be better if I was on something. Im always craving something different but its constant. I usually crave blow, I miss that more than anything. I phantom smell it all the time, I sometimes see my mini spoon and am tempted to lick it, knowing theres absolutely nothing on it. I see my emergency xan (for true emergencies, I learned not to abuse them because when I need them and dont have them its bad), I always hear lyrics about blacking out and it immediately triggers something in my brain that makes me want to go to the liquor store and drink a whole bottle no chaser. I miss being too fucked up. I miss overdosing. I miss being awake for 3 days straight. I miss wandering the streets with other addicts just being degenerates. I miss nodding in the function. I miss not caring, not knowing. I miss the social circle. I miss the feeling of feeling my grasp on reality on conciousness fade away. I miss feeling the bass of music in my bones, vibrating with it. I miss the geeked up sex that lasted hours. I miss everything. I hate myself so much.