At a loss

I feel like I am being made to be crazy. I know for a fact I have been disrespected over and over. But somehow, he says it is my fault. He says that I deserve this. Like how am I at fault for you taking pictures or having pictures of naked women on your phone? (He has always said it is accidental screenshots of porn). And not being able to move past it because it was the 5th or 6th time I found something like that. I always fed into the excuses before, but this time, I can’t. I have no idea if he is cheating or just screenshotting porn like he says. I don’t trust him. He has lied to me so much over the years that I just can’t. This weekend he said he was going on a “boys only” fishing trip for the weekend. Turns out, both of his boys had their wife accompany them, I was left out. It hurt so much, because we have been together for about 12 years and we are all friends. He is trying to say he didn’t know until last minute and didn’t like it either, but I feel like there is something else going on. Especially because he still went on the trip, while I was at home taking care of our kids on one of my limited weekends off. I just feel that either they didn’t want me there, or he said he didn’t want me there, but he won’t be honest. When I point-blank asked him, he said “think about it.” What? Regardless, he for sure does not have my back. But then I feel crazy for even thinking that. I know deep down I don’t deserve this, but I also know I get upset and when I try to talk to him he just dismisses anything I say or blames me or tells me it’s my fault. And then I get more upset and then he says I am being “unreasonable or combative”. I’m only this way because I feel like I’m not heard or shut down. And then he ignores me or just goes to sleep or walks away, or leaves entirely. I’m not abusive, I don’t hit, I do yell, but only when I’m pushed. I am not saying I am completely not to blame or have no part in things, but I do feel that it I am an emotional abuse victim. I don’t know what that looks like, but I have never been like this before and I just cry. We have two elementary aged kids, I know they see more than they let on. I do not know what to do. We have tried couples therapy years ago, it didn’t work, long story. I have also read that therapy with a narcissist will not work, and my experience matched that. How do I make this work? Do I just let everything go? Or can I find the backbone I know I had ten years ago, I just feel so defeated and sad and depressed.