Impossible to have a relationship

So I saw someone I love again, and blew it again by not remembering and/or getting facts wrong etc. It appears there is a part that really loves this person and a part determined for me to never risk having a relationship again. I am sure that to the person I love it feels like a horrible game. To me, it feels like a war inside, and I know you all understand. Attack, counter attack, espionage, clandestine operations, extreme manipulation of me by me. Lots of collateral damage. No one can understand the cost, and for once I’m not just sad that I’m hurting others and myself, I’m also furious with my abuser and this disorder. The latter part is more difficult for me. DID costs the person living with it so much, yet without it I would have nothing, you know? It’s unfair that our survival depends on something that takes away from us every day, and by “us” I mean the whole DID community. I feel like I can grieve the loss of this potential relationship but only as I also grieve everything else— not fitting in, struggling socially, finding a job that’s a good fit (I always end up quitting because of stress or because other parts don’t like what we’re doing), etc. For once, I’m not going to try and fix it. I’m just going to focus on my needs, my health, and my life. It feels crazy to even open myself up to feeling anything, but my therapist says it’s good, just difficult. Anyway, no more whining. Having the negative effects of DID sucks, wreaks my life, but at least it lets me have a life, and I have to just keep doing the best I can to at least get some satisfaction or meaning from it. Anyone have any thoughts? Advice? Consolation?