I have obtained boy and so can you!

Above: me when him, circa 2024 (colorized)

This is a public service announcement.

You can kiss boys.

When I use “he” or “him” below, swap these out for the pronouns of your crush. Sorry I managed to forget that straight people and girls existed until I finished typing.

Anyway here’s how I did it:

1. Find your target. In my case he’s not a conventional guy. He has low self esteem and often is unhappy with how he looks (he’s trans). I like him because he is a creative and funny person. The point is that what you like might not be the norm. If you live somewhere that queer people aren’t as accepted, there are still going to be people like you.

2. TELL HIM HOW YOU FEEL GOD DAMMIT! This will likely be the hardest sentence you’ll ever say. You will possibly feel like a hideous creep the whole time. But you have to tell him.

3. Be together, get closer, ask to be his boyfriend or girlfriend or kissmate or whatever the kids say these days.

4. I don't believe in God but if he exists then his greatest stroke of genius was creating cuddles. They are a blessing.

5. The next step involves a certain amount of stupidity. Really you can't think too hard or you'll fail. Fortunately for me I am stupid enough to just kiss that silly goober!!! You got this.

6. Congratulations you have boy. Make sure to water him every day and keep him out of direct sunlight.

ANYONE can do this. Think about all the people ever. Most of them were probably lame but they found love. Do you really believe that you're so far below par? You're not. Every one of you can and will have romantic relationships if you so desire (if you're aroace I dont know why you’re here but, uh, enjoy your garlic bread I guess).

Neptune, I am talking to you. Your becoming a bona fide boykisser would likely be the defining moment of this subreddit and that’s not even the best part.

Guess I better change my user flair.

Okay, schwaenjoyer out. *really clumsy mic drop sound followed by muffled swearing*