NOE’s

I did not know you were receiving my messages, but I had a sliver of hope that they would get to you. They are me, my feelings and my vulnerabilities and I always felt most comfortable sharing them with you. This has never been a game to me even though I’ve fumbled every time I’ve tried.

As to why I’ve acted the way I have, you don’t repeatedly dump and want back your partner then finally dump them one last time then insinuate that it’s a break then defame them and ghost them without hurting them. After that I analyzed everything I consciously ignored and wondered just how real you really were. Every questionable thing you ever said to me I went back and tried to make sense of and I got lost. This is why my behavior was erratic.

Why did you miss so many flights to our first date? Why did you send my screenshots from some weirdo on Whatsapp with our anniversary in their username? Why were the messages sent before I even knew you existed? What is the real significance of 519? Why did you know phrases I used decades ago? Why would you lock yourself in your room? Why was I getting stranger messages? Why have my messages been manipulated? What was that strange video you sent on 4th of July and who filmed it? Why did you send me food right after your loss from a service we never used? Did you in fact f@ck Jared Leto……😉?

I’m not looking for answers to these, but you shouldn’t be surprised as to why it’s taken me so long to detach. Yes I have acted unacceptable sometimes and I got desperate to be seen by you which is not healthy and I was insecure so I’m sorry I panicked. You checked out of our relationship before it even ended. I was still in it 100%.

I fell down. I’m still here. I’m growing stronger and I’m a honest good person. We saw each other a year ago. You covered your faced and that sucked no matter what the reason. I was both worried and sad. You made the same promises I did, no one else’s forever. I don’t take stuff like that lightly.

If there’s anyway we can call a truce that would be nice. Please no more smearing me to my friends. I would never do that to you with yours. I was your biggest cheerleader from your time overseas to your return to education. You’re a normal person like the rest of us, but I wish you saw the way looked at you. When it comes to lovers you’ve always been able to have whoever you wanted, but I’ve only ever wanted one person. Your beauty and talent had nothing to do with it and to not have that feeling reciprocated was not a good feeling. You can call me a narcissist or laugh, call me cringe or whatever, but all the shits wack. You are safe whether you’re around the corner or across the world so lay off the true crime and let’s live apart in peace. I want to live comfortably too and go travel now.

You won’t get getting anymore messages from me. I’m sorry for sending them.

W