My(26F) boyfriend (33M) shames me for my past sexual assault incident.

Sorry for the long post. 😅

I was sexually assaulted by a guy I met in a bar 5 years back, I was unconscious and he did bad things to me. But I was 21 then and had no guts to report it, he blackmailed me with pictures and I put up with him for around 1.5 to 2 months where he continuously sexually abused me. I come from a community which is conservative, so I didnt want to tell anyone. I thought it was better to marry him since I lost my virginity to him. I didn't have the courage to report him because I was living alone and I was very young. But once my family found out, they got him arrested based on his open threats to kidnap or muder me.. It was very traumatic and took me years to get over this incident.

Fast forward 5 years,

Myself(26F) and my boyfriend(33M) have been together for a year. I am so heartbroken at this point. I really loved him, did so much for him, was the overgiver when I got the bare minimum. I cooked, cleaned, flew to him all the time. He would casually threaten me with a breakup for a small fight and I would go begging for him to work on this relationship once more. I feel so emotionally tied to him that it felt impossible to leave.

When we got together and the topic of our body counts came, I just told him on a high level I lost my virginity in a relationship because I didn't trust him enough to tell him the actual incident. He has never been with a girl before and has conservative outlooks. But with time, as he asked more questions I told him different versions of the story because I wasn't so comfortable sharing the actual details. Finally one day I decided to come clean with him and told him that I was raped and kept it going for 2 months and didn't have the guts to end it. I was expecting he would react with empathy and console me. But instead he lashed out on me for lying all the way about it, and that I have a poor sense of judgment for prolonging the abuse, and finally decided that I was lying about the entire incident too. And said I enjoyed it with my abuser and border line slut shamed me.

Since I loved him, I tried making him understand that it wasn't the case and I was genuinely naive to not know how to end it because I was too scared and I even apologized to him for being physical with someone else before him. Since then, for the last 10 months, he has been shaming me for the incident and calls me a chronic liar and belittles my trauma. He doesn't understand remotely that it wasn't easy to talk about something so sensitive so soon in the relationship and it took time and a lot of trust for me to tell him the real story. I have requested multiple times to not bring this up as it really disturbs me and it triggers all the unpleasant traumatic incidents all over again and it pushes me to extreme. But he is more focused on the pain I caused him by being physical with another guy in my past and the lies I told him initially.

I really love this guy, but it hurts me so much when he treats me like this. What should I do? Thank you so much.

Sorry for the long post.