I’m 20 and I think about my death way too often

I (20F) did not have a stable house hold at all growing up, I was depraved of any parental love was heavily abused by my aunt and uncle due to my parents’ absence. I grew up being not the most likeable person so was hard to make friends or any meaningful connection because I did not see what a healthy friendship was like.

Ideas like “you don’t need friends, friends will always hold you down/ plot something against you” was instilled in my head from a very young age by my father. I’m still struggling with thinking everybody around me is plotting something against me until this day.

I moved out a year ago and have had very limited contact with my family. I can’t help but feel alone. I’m in debt, from credit card and student loan, less than $15K worth of debt. definitely not a big debt but still for someone who doesn’t make much it’s a lot. I haven’t been able to continue university because I want to switch career and I don’t have enough money to pay for my education and I don’t want to be in further debt when I already don’t make much.

I struggle with my mental health a lot, I’m a frequent caller of the suicide hotline. So much so I was referred to a program for my mental health. The program referred me to a psychiatrist. After talking to me, my psychiatrist made a remarks about how serious my mental illnesses are.

The psychiatrist strongly recommend that I start taking medicine and that she will prescribe it for me. However I couldn’t at the moment, I don’t have enough money to spend on medications. I have not done any physical health check up in years because I’m afraid I won’t have enough money for any treatment if I need any.

The only little money I make go to rent and food. I have been trying to apply for new/ better paying job but there’s no luck. I’m so bad with social interactions that I’ve been a shut in for almost a year now. It’s even harder to want to live knowing there’s no one there for me if I need.

I can’t go back to my family again. I live in poverty right now but at least I’m no longer in the same space with the people that abuse me. Sometimes I just wish I have someone reliable in my life to lean on, I’m just so tired. The only reason I’m holding on right now is the need to do my younger self justice. I cannot also be one of the people who failed me too. I wanted to give myself a fair chance at life but currently it’s just so hard.

I have horrible anxiety and I always seem to pick on myself when I make any small mistakes, this worsen my social anxiety because I’m always afraid of doing/ saying the wrong things. That’s why I’ve been really reclusive from society for the past year.

Sometimes I wanna scream “I’m just a person trying to live, I’m weak, I don’t wanna be strong, I need help, I’m scared, I need protection, I need rest, I need to be happy without fearing that I’m not allowed to be happy” but I don’t have anybody to scream to that can understand me. I yearn for a genuine“don’t worry about a thing, I’ve got you, you won’t have to feel alone anymore, just rest, I’ll take care of everything.”

It’s just so hard, the road ahead of me seems so difficult. I’m scared, I’m petrified, I’m overwhelmed, I don’t have a proper place to fall back to if I need support. The one certain thing in my life right now is death, it’s always in the back of my head and that kind of push me back from pursuing something more meaningful.

I feel like a single mom trying to reparent a kid I didn’t ask for, me.

I’m scared I might be homeless because I stopped working, I just needed a break, i need to rest, whether it be 1 hour, 1 week or forever, I don’t care. I haven’t stopped working ever since I move out, and I meant, my waking moments were spent working, if I’m not working I feel bad for not working. I would say I’m luckier than most people that I get to do what I love as my job, but you still need breaks.

I feel as though life move on for everybody else, but not me. My clock has been frozen and I’ve been trying to get it moving. It’s hard seeing everybody move on without me. It’s horrible living this way.

My counsellors, social workers said how I’m such a strong girl and I hate it, I don’t wanna have to be a strong girl. I hate it when they say I have such great potential, how I’m so smart, very emotionally matured and just matured in my life view in general. It feels like I’m being told I haven’t exhaust myself to use all of my potential, wasting my intelligence etc.

I wanna scream into their face saying “I’m sorry I was born with all of these things and I’m not using it, I’m sorry my dream life doesn’t align with my potential.” But all I ever managed to do was a giving gentle nod and a smile.

My counsellors assured me I’m still so young, 20 is such a young age, but it feels like I’ve lived 3 live times. I feel like I’ve used up all of my energy for my life time, fighting for myself, advocating for myself but was met with deaf ears. I’m not one to give up easily so I really want to let you know, I’ve been trying to save myself. Rn, I’m so done fighting. I want to fight for younger me but I’m so tired. “Maybe I’m just not meant for a good life” is what I always ask myself.

I have 2 friends that I made through the internet, but they don’t know me like that. I also have a friend who live near me, but she also have her own issues to deal with. And I can’t help but wonder if they could thrive more if I wasn’t in their life, if they weren’t worried about me.

I thrive best when I get to be gentle and sensitive, my dream life is to be a house wife, I genuinely enjoy cleaning and cooking. I’m very aware of myself, I don’t want to be a mother because I will not love the child, I cannot meaningfully give the child a life I never had.