I need advice on setting boundaries with my family

My husband (33M) and I (30F) live next door to his mother’s house. He has 8 siblings and is the third to last. 5 sisters, 2 brothers + himself. His father passed when he was young so it’s just his mother living next door.

5 years ago we had the living room expanded and this made his family flock towards our home. This meant that rather than spend time at their mother’s, they’d all come into our home and lounge in the living room up until it was time to go. (They claim to love how beautiful our home is.) Mind you, they did this while we were both at work. I work from 1pm to 9pm 3 days a week and he from 9-5 5 days a week so most of the time, the house is meant to be empty. When I am home, I keep to myself either in our room or in the living room with our two dogs.

For some background: MILs house is the designated spot for the family to get together as she babysits 5 of her grandchildren. So every day there is a SIL or BIL visiting their mother. With so many children involved some come straight over from school as the bus stop is only a block away. Her house is big enough for everyone so I didn’t really understand why they liked to come into our home other than how much they love the house after we renovated.

At first my husband didn’t like this because they’d leave a mess behind and wouldn’t clean up after themselves. He spoke to his mother and after that, when they’d come over MIL would clean up after they’d all leave. I, personally, never liked this so after a lot of “nagging” my husband went and had a talk with his mother asking her not to bring family over while we were away and to please ask before she does. It took a while but she finally toned it down with the random visiting.

The family finally stopped coming over but also didn’t.. let me explain. MIL only has 2 restrooms in her home, having so many people there sometimes the restrooms get busy so they come into our home to use it. “Well why don’t you lock the door if you don’t want them to come in?”We have a number pad that locks and unlocks our door. MIL gave the family the code and they use it.. very.. freely.. (We also have a door knob that locks but my husband has expressed that he does not like it when I lock it because he hates using the key, he prefers to put in the code and come in the house with ease. I respect that.)

One time, a BIL came into our home while I was in our room changing to use the restroom, in a panic I called my husband and asked him to please remind his family to ask or at least knock before coming in. (I’ll shrivel and die the day someone walks in on me while I’m not modest.) Husband said that when he called his mother his brother joked “wow, can’t even take a piss without getting snitched on”. BIL is very passive aggressive with me ever since, so much so he’s yanked his child from my arms during family events twice. Second time happened just yesterday.

The family doesn’t knock. They unlock the door, walk in, sometimes don’t even say hi and go straight into the house. I try tolerating this but it’s hard when they’re coming into our home and going through our things. Once I had to raise my voice at the children to please not go into our room as they were playing hide and seek. I had asked them multiple times not to I’m the house but they’re very stubborn and think everything is a game. They have no respect for me it seems. They will go into the laundry room and get soap or towels, they will go into the kitchen and get a drink, make themselves a sandwich or just grab some snacks. Usually it’s his nieces and nephews who do this, as when it was asked that they no longer freely use our home it was the adults who were spoken to.

Mind you, their parenting style is very.. permissive.

After a while I blew up at my husband and asked him to please do something about it, that if he wasn’t going to tell his family to stop coming in like they lived here to ask them to at least ask for things and not just come in and take them. I take it personally when they do and it irks my husband who says “it’s just food, we can always buy more”. It makes me feel like I’m being selfish and bitter.

“I can’t win with you” he says every time I complain about something new. It’s driving me crazy. I grew up alone with just my mom, dad and a little dog so I don’t know what it’s like to have siblings, I don’t know what it’s like to share so freely and I tell my husband this. I grew up getting my hand smacked for just going through my mom’s purse, always asking for permission to have something, never just walking in rooms and always knocking. I also grew up with my things getting stolen at school or by my own cousins who’d break in our home to do so, so when someone up and takes something of mine it only makes me angry. And that’s the way I see it when people come in our home without permission to take what they want. I’m trying to get used to it but every day I wake up in the hopes that I’m not going to be bitter about the whole situation only to get mad about it when they come in.

Sometimes my husband and I will be cuddling, watching tv on the sofa and we’ll hear the beeping of someone unlocking our door. They’ll come in and my husband will greet them happily and shrug it off as they pass by us into our home to get or use something. I practically beg him to please ask them to ask even when we’re here because I feel like it’s rude that they do this but he just sighs and keeps quiet trying not to argue. I’m not trying to argue with him when I bring this up either, I see it as my expressing something that’s bothering me by communicating it to him.

I love him with all of my heart and he loves me just as much, but I nah him too much and I can tell he’s getting sick of it, sick of me. We have been married for 2 years now, together for 10. I’ve watched his nieces and nephews grow, I’ve been to family events, I’ve lived and loved his family like mines. There is no bad blood between us. They love me like another one of their siblings and the children see me as their aunt. I love my family very much don’t get me wrong, I just want some boundaries.

I’m also very non-confrontational and shy, but I have spoken to a few of my SIL/BIL as well as MIL and they agreed that they understood my house is not their mother’s and is a separate home, yet they or their children still come over as they please when they come visit MIL. It just seems like they lack self awareness or plain are too comfortable to notice how much it’s bothering me.