i can’t believe i was so nervous (first date)

TL;DR basically I have not gotten this nervous on a date since I was a literal teenager. Is there ANY chance he thought it was cute or something??? or should I just wallow in my humiliation and get over it. I am so embarrassed, I was basically rambling on and on and could barely look at him.

I (23F) was literally babbling on about the most ridiculous and random things! Making nearly no sense! He (21M) was really sweet and patient but oh my gosh WTF was I doing! I can’t believe I was so nervous, I really didn’t expect to be at all. I can’t remember the last time I got so freaking nervous like that! For what?! Why?! Oh my gosh what I wouldn’t have given to just calm down, I swear… It was as if I couldn’t allow there to be a single silence.

He was super cute and I would love to get to know him better but I honestly don’t know what happens now. I’ve never made such an absolute fool of myself. I’m almost never self conscious at all, like self esteem is a non issue for me at this age. But OMG, if you’d seen me, you’d understand. What the hell.

At least, I think, amid my ramblings I made some efforts to ask about him and the stories he’d told me, it wasn’t as though I was going nonstop — more just once I’d get going, I couldn’t stop. Oh my gosh. I really don’t know why I was so nervous I cannot remember the last time I was like this around a guy. Why is this?????

Are these good signs or just neutral:

1. Even after I’d, in my opinion, thoroughly humiliated myself and — let’s just call it been way too chatty without really managing to SAY much — at one point he kissed me and we had a long, extensive, steamy make out session. The physical chemistry was pretty undeniable but when, for instance, we moved to a different area, I WENT STRAIGHT BACK TO BEING AWKWARD AND MAKING AWKWARD conversation. We still shifted back to being physical but then I had to get straight back to it of course SAYING JUST the randomest of things.
2. While he was dropping me home, I said something to the effect of “I have to say, I feel oddly formal and reserved … and simultaneously like I’ve been rambling on and on about the randomest of things” !!!! Even THAT I couldn’t explain. He said well it’s okay because it’s just our first time meeting each other and we barely know each other.
3. I texted him I had a lovely time and he simply responded he had a good time too. But he is a sweetheart I feel like it’s so hard for me to read him because he’s so kind. I can’t tell if he likes me or he’s just being nice, and in person that fact (and him being super cute) made me totally freaked out.

I really wish this had gone better I mean, I’m truly never like this, especially with men. I’m not the smoothest but I’m always pretty confident in who I am. I don’t know what this was, I haven’t been this nervous in years and years. Why has this happened😭 And are either of these good signs, or is that just what this generation does regardless of how the date is going.

I just don’t know why on earth I was so nervous, I thought that only happened when you’re like, a teenager or a kid.

For a touch of context I’m a conventionally very pretty young lady and seem to be able to explore whichever options I choose. I haven’t gotten nervous like this in forever. I wish I could’ve just told him that, but of course that would be weird to say. But at least it would’ve explained why I handled it so goddamn terribly.

I feel like this was even more embarrassing because I’m older than him by two years. What kind of a fool would handle this situation so poorly😭😭😭😭 I am honestly mortified, hopefully it wasn’t as bad as I feel like it was, but it felt like a LOT. A lot a lot a lot of babbling. Why.

According to the universe, I might’ve been in severe need of a vanity check or something. Mission accomplished.

AHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOO.