having such a hard time keeping no contact

typical avoidant story blah blah blah dated for two years dumped when i expected more than the bare minimum (less than that actually). we broke up june 7th and i stupidly kept in contact for a lil over a month till my birthday. i couldn’t take the “i need time to decide whats good for me.” i felt like i was slowly killing myself so i pulled the plug. i kept no contact for like 13ish days until one night i folded when i was something that triggered me. i called her, she didnt answer, i gave up.

then she spammed texted me. i said i was just going to check up on her, we caught up. everything was fine but she clearly JUST started to get sad over the breakup (THAT HAPPENED A 1+ MONTH AGO?!?!). then something happened with my family, she comforted me, i got attached, she pulled away.

ever since i try to do no contact, my highest score has been 5 days. its so embarrassing to keep saying “hey im going no contact” and then text her a couple days later or even the next day. i stopped the crying phase, im working on maybe trying to casually date but its like an URGE. like i sent her this shared goodbye note and today it didnt show her number and the only option was to text not call or ft. i thought omg she seriously blocked me? but i think it was cause i deleted her number. she hasnt responded to me for a like a week and a half. im SO embarrassed that she can clearly see im still attached somehow. the fact she has NO response but will just read them is EMBARRASSING. how do i get myself under control? she was my first everything and we lived together for a year and i just can’t control myself. im not even sad just embarrassed.