I hate myself a lot.

I've allowed people to use me and bring me down to the point of hating myself. Now I've sucked myself into the vacuum of being incredibly shameful and resentful.

I'm angry and this anger comes from a place of anguish. I want to place blame. I want to be angry for my "stolen" humanity (not stolen, more lost - not anyone's fault but my own, honestly). If I place this blame maybe I can find acceptance in that and find peace in acceptance. I carry this weight of hating myself but if it doesn't go away then I'm still hating myself and not taking responsibility.

I think there are reasons to be guilty, shameful - not as a way to tie me down into doing anything productive but a reason to be more productive to society. I think there has to be a reasonable amount of loathing in order to have humility, empathy and insight but maybe that's where I'm wrong, wrong in where I'm thinking that my humanity can only come from suffering.

The part I'm struggling with, is that believing that I deserve to release myself from this suffering and that I can be human. I haven't been allowed to be human for so long and in trying that I am struggling to grasp what that is like. Everyone in my personal life in ways have all these exceptions and allowances because they human but I don't have these exceptions and allowances. I see these differences, I look back at myself and ask, "am I even human anymore?"

I should caring less of what others think and be more confident in myself (not only as a loving my body thing, but also as an existing thing). I think I don't deserve to have that sort of strength and peace. I've taken the blame my whole life that now people pass it onto me without a thought (which is my fault, I became a very pathetic example of being a "a product of my environment") and I've been so dehumanized to the point where I cannot see myself as a human or a worthy human. I have some thoughts on that as well, but it's not like I lack logic and reason.

This wall I have built up inside me blinds me.