Triggered in a Target and Bad Weather.

TW: Lost family member to suicide. Alcohol/drug use implied later on.

For a little bit of background, my (24f) younger brother (was 19) committed suicide about 4 years ago. I still lived with him and the whole family when it happened. Before he succeeded, I was able to intervene with his precious attempts. I had slept over at my girlfriend, now fiancée's, house the night before, and blamed myself for his death. I have since gotten therapy, got a formal diagnosis a year ago (better late than never), and became a 911 paramedic. I was thinking I was managing myself incredibly well.

Cut to yesterday. I was hanging out with some of my friends after they got done helping my fiancée come up with some ideas for how she wants her hair done for our wedding. She had driven herself up earlier with another one of our bridesmaids, and I met up with them. After we get done eating, we decide to go into Target. I'm not sure what it was, but I could start to feel my heart race, a dull headache, and a lump in my throat. My brother was working at a Target in their tech department when he died. "Really? Right now?" That's all that I could think of other than me trying to suppress the oncoming panic attack. I let my friends know. My fiancée had gone to the bathroom and I let her know as soon as she came back out. She was confused because we've been in a Target maybe once or twice before since he died, but I was just as confused and maybe got a little defensive. Friends asked if I needed to leave, but I managed to stifle the panic and we continued as usual. Might have disassociated while in the store, but that happens often when I'm doing any sort of shopping.

Eventually, we leave. Go back to my friend's house, play some card games, then call it a day. It's dark out at this time, and my friend had asked me to text her when we all got home safe. In order for me to get home, I needed to take the interstate. I didn't realize that it was going to rain pretty hard on my way home.

A little more background: My brother had attended an after prom party with people I thought he was safe with. His ride ended up getting too wasted on who knows what to drive home. His best friend was partying hard too and didn't tell him when they were leaving. He called me, saying he didn't feel safe, and I dropped everything to pick him up. The storm was unforgiving that night. Powerlines were out so the roads were dark. I just remembered my grip on the steering wheel was bad enough to numb my hands. When I actually got to the house party, I was surrounded by big dudes asking me when the cops were coming. I told them all that I didn't give a shit about their stupid house party, and that I just wanted my brother. More people kept screaming at me, pointing at my phone saying I was on the line with police officers as we spoke. I told them to fuck off, and that I was just texting my brother. Bigger dudes kept creeping up towards me, telling me I better drive off if I knew what was good for me. Brother comes running out the door, telling them to leave me alone. We get into the car. We leave. Still storming out. Thankfully, we made it home safe. I chewed out his friends when they were sober enough to understand what they did to him that night.

Back to last night. I could feel the same lump in my throat and heart pounding that I did at Target. Me gripping onto the wheel made me feel like I was speeding off to save my brother again. I made it home alright. Told my fiancée what happened, and that was enough to just mentally drain me. I cried for a little bit only because I was so frustrated with myself. I called it a night and went to bed.

I haven't had a bad attack like that in a WHILE. Just wanted to vent and ask if anyone else has it sneak up like that just... out of nowhere...?

Thanks for sticking around if you read all of it. TL;DR: has been managing PTSD pretty well for a few years. Few years ago, lost brother to suicide. Had to pick him up from a house party while it was pouring rain once. Went into his last workplace yesterday and got triggered. On the drive home, it was pouring rain and got triggered again.