All my life i have just been awful to them, with just constant meltdowns where i’ve literally threatened them with knives before or threatened to harm myself or attacked them or just yelled at them. I hate it. i hate being angry. it got better for a bit when i learned to be like more in control of my anger but recently (the past 2 years or so i think? idk? maybe longer? maybe like 3?) its been getting way worse and i feel like im losing what control i had developed on it, and i hate it. i’m such an awful person. I really don’t get why they still like me i dont deserve it someone else deserves them way more than me, and they deserve a child who will actually love them and respect what they do. I hate myself so much.

the last incident i literally just yelled at them over was when ubereats got my order wrong and they just asked “are you sure you ordered the right thing” which is reasonable to ask (i know that logically anyway, part of my brain still wants me to think it was an asshole thing for them to do but like idfk.) but my brain just interpreted it as a personal attack on me or something and blew up at them. i wish my brain wasnt like this. i miss when i could control it better and just simply leave the situation but i feel like i cant do that anymore idk.

I’m such a horrible daughter idk why they still love me. I wish i wasn’t like this. all i do is hurt people.