I need some advice

4 years ago I was friends with a girl and we moved into together after I broke up with my ex I brough my 2 cats with me. She ended up sleeping and getting with a guy who was engaged and they ended up together, during this time it started out okay but it got to a point they ended up actually abusing me, calling me names would shout all night when I was starting work at 5am damaged my belongings went in my room called me names shouted at me infront of other friends to a point nobody would come over at this point i got rid of my old property and was completely alone, I tried to end my life and ended up moving in with my friends grandma for 5 months before I moved into my own house.

About a year and a half later i was diagnosed with BPD while pregnant (unstable moods) I also had an abusive home life and moved out aged 16.

I recently stopped speaking to my old friends as I couldn’t take the comments anymore my EX was on bail for DV (i’m pregnant again) they made comments about how I allowed him to abuse my child, I made a comment a few times about how excited I was to give the baby to hold to someone else so I could give my toddler attention which was followed by ‘you don’t even love this baby’ I was seriously unwell during this and after bail I left anyway, I around 3 months ago cut contact with them all (3 girls) as I just couldn’t control my moods (i suffer from unstable moods) and I needed to focus on myself while going through sc i’ve seen they are all hanging out with this one girl dispite claiming they would never be okay with her after what she did (she also abused my said cats) When I got them back 6 months later through the cops after claiming she gave them to a shelter i was begging for them back) sent them back to me skin and bone and unwell claimed she had one of them in the vet however never informed me ever blocked me it was my friend who got in contact and then claimed this I asked for not only the vet bill so I could pay it but the details so I could go to the vets etc but provided nothing but screaming at me.

it has taken me 2 years to get over this to a point it doesn’t knock me ill and in bed for days however now i’ve seen they are all together I’m heavily pregnant with a toddler and i’m trying so hard to not feel shitty but I also feel like this is all my fault my cats were checked and fine and put on the the weight back after around 2 months and my 16 year old cat died 2 years later due to old age I still have the 6 year old I don’t know what i’m expecting or what to feel right now but I do feel shattered and I know my BPD is made worse when i’m pregnant and post pregnancy i’ve tried to do what works for me and I just want to lay down and die in all honesty When people dislike me it’s never a case of leaving it they always seem to hate me to the core so I don’t know what to do - two of the girls involved have BPD themselves and I know I am not perfect but during all the abuse i’ve faced I actually have never once claimed to be a victim or even spoke about it after but they witnessed it themselves so always supported me and I know time has passed but I just know everyone’s sat talking about how shitty I am and it’s honestly making me want to move planets