Should I Stay or Should I Go? (F29 Dating a Man M35 With Kids)

I’m reaching out for some advice. I’m a 29-year-old woman dating a 35-year-old man who I truly believe is the most kind, loving, genuine, and patient person I’ve ever met. Our relationship is incredibly healthy, and the communication we have is truly top-notch. Honestly, he’s been so healing for me, especially coming from a background of toxic relationships. He’s changed my life for the better, and I feel so lucky to have him in my life. But I’m at a crossroads, and I need some perspective.

I have a history of putting others' needs before my own, and I’m starting to feel like I might be doing that again in this relationship. My partner has three kids from his previous marriage. Two are biological kids—both teenagers—and he also has guardianship of a 16-year-old girl who’s been in and out of the foster system. While I’ve always been open to dating someone with kids, the reality of blending our lives has become a challenge.

I can’t shake the feeling that my personal dreams and goals are on hold in some ways, especially because his kids are a big part of his life. The oldest has significant mental health and behavioral challenges, which make it tough to connect with her. The middle child has autism, and the youngest has absorbed a lot of her sister’s behaviors, making her socializing difficult as well. I’m not trying to be a replacement parent, but I can’t help but worry about the lack of discipline and structure in their lives.

One thing that really worries me is how my partner and his ex handle their kids' needs. For example, his daughter with autism gets a lunch every day that’s not remotely healthy—root beer, chips, and chocolate—without any efforts to encourage healthier habits or routines. While I understand that kids with autism may have sensory issues, I feel like there could be more done to guide them toward better habits. It just seems like there’s a lack of active parenting in terms of teaching them discipline, respect, and life skills, which is concerning for me.

When I see the way his kids interact with him and others, there’s a lot of social awkwardness and disrespect that doesn’t seem to be addressed. Example: It took a handful of hours for either of the kids to pretend like I existed or make ANY eye contact with me. (This is still an ongoing issue after meeting them five times). I don’t want to overstep my boundaries as a partner, but I feel like things aren’t improving and that their social skills and habits are stagnating. My partner seems to think that things will just get better over time and that I’ll get used to the situation, but I worry about whether I can truly form the kind of bond I envisioned with his kids.

On top of this, my partner has 50/50 custody of his kids, which means that my dream of moving away from where I currently live is essentially out of the question. This is something I’ve wanted for a long time, but it doesn’t seem like it’s an option with the reality of his responsibilities.

I’m really torn. I feel like I’ve found someone who’s perfect for me, but I also feel like I’m sacrificing parts of myself for the sake of this relationship. I’m questioning if this fear I have is just me sabotaging myself, or if it’s a sign that this relationship isn’t truly right for me long-term. I don’t want to give up on something that’s healthy, but I also don’t want to lose sight of my own goals and dreams.

Has anyone else faced this kind of situation? Are my expectations of the relationship I hope to envision with the kids simply too high? Is that a dealbreaker? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Timeline: We’ve been together about a year, waited six months to meet his kids and I’ve met them now five times.

Thanks in advance!