I don’t think i’m doing very well.

Don’t ever post on reddit but I thought this would probably be the best place to vent without any real consequences. Honestly, this probably gonna sound like i’m bitching about nothing and i don’t blame anyone for skipping. I (19m) am in my first year of college and things aren’t going very well. Not gonna get too deep into it but i’ve got depression and it’s gotten very serious in the past. Don’t wanna get into specifics because I can only put one tag on a post and don’t wanna cause any triggering events for anyone. Anyways, i’ve been a people pleaser all my life (not in a healthy way) and while on vacation a year ago I had an episode of some sort. Once again not going into specifics but it kinda shattered my worldview and haven’t been the same ever since. Luckily my parents are supportive and helped me get medicated and I started going to therapy. Problem is that it didn’t help because I suck at helping myself. Got meds and dosage and shit kept going higher and higher until i felt like a zombie. I quit taking them and never told the truth to my doctor or my parents. I stopped going to therapy after I got my therapist to believe I was fine because I didn’t feel good about being vulnerable to them and I was sick of having my parents waste money on something that obviously wasn’t really working. My parents currently believe that i’m taking the meds and doing OK. In reality I’m skipping class and failing in most classes. Don’t have the balls to ask for help either. Spend most of my days going to work or hanging out with high school friends who went to the same college as me. Can’t make new friends because i’m socially awkward. I feel like i’m constantly being judged the few days I do show up to class. I just want go back. I hate taking pills to feel good, I hate all this pressure, I hate how stagnant everything is. I knew in reality my life blew before all this and it’s super unhealthy but i can’t help but wish I didn’t care about relationships, my own well being, if i’m going to fail or not, or anything like that. I used to be so blissfully unaware of all of how i was lacking in each department. I just wanna be the guy that people can count on again. The one that could make them happy and was full of life. No hate to you guys (if anyone reads this) but i wish i was saying this to someone i knew. i’m just too scared about people being worried about me again. Im sorry if this post is shitty rambling mess but i needed to get this off my chest and i know if go back in to reread any of this ill just delete it out of embarrassment. I just need some sort of help because lord knows i can’t help myself.