I am fully convinced I have BPD. Everyone was right

For years now friends and family have suggested go me(27M) that I don’t just have my diagnosed depression and anxiety but that it is actually BPD. I believe them now. Something has always been wring with me and it goes deeper than just “I am depressed”.

So where to start? I have been weird since I was a kid. My mind has felt truly broken for my entire 27 years. As a kid it was severe OCD and anxiety. By middle school the depression started kicking my ass. I wanted to die, and I was fucking 12. I had a healthy, happy childhood so I am not sure what went wrong. By high school my social anxiety and depression became too much and I started self-medicating with dangerous amounts of alcohol every single night. I would also hurt myself. I am sober from alcohol currently because it was causing me to become extremely suicidal and self destructive. My party days are behind me, but I do use other drugs, mainly pills (downers without getting into detail)

Anyway, it is getting worse, my mental health has taken a serious dive this year. There were some factors that contributed, break ups and betrayal and whatever which caused an episode back in the summer. Anyway, I am pretty unstable these days and I feel that was just the trigger for my mental deterioration. I tried dating apps and went on dates, made me feel worse. I found one girl I really liked and deleted the app and she is currently my girlfriend as of a few weeks.

Well this girl has diagnosed BPD and she has convinced me I have the same. We were talking about her Borderline diagnoses and EVERYTHING she described is exactly how I feel. I feel like everybody hates me, I fantasize about suicide almost daily, I push people away and try to isolate myself because I feel I am a major burden. Just every symptom in the book. Maybe I have finally figured out what has always been wrong with me.

The shitty thing is, I am already looking for a way out of our relationship. I just don’t think it will work out if we both have the same mental disorder. We are already fighting alot and I blew up on her the other day and started yelling and cussing her out in public. It is like I lost control and usually I am great at controlling my temper. I made her cry and felt like a monster. She deserves better than me, I am an asshole these days, not the sweet guy I once was.

It just makes me realize alot of things. Every relationship I have been in, the woman I was with had BPD. No wonder things never last. Something has always been broken in my brain…