why would a merciful god make me queer

people r gonna b like ‘you’re being tested!’ why? why is my existence a sin? why can’t i be gay? why can i not even vocalise these thoughts?

it fucking wrecks me tbh. like other ppl w chronic illnesses and pain get tested but there is no sin on them to strive towards a painless life. there’s no sin on them being happy .

why would a merciful god do that to me? why would he make me a woman and then make all these hoops for me to jump thru just as a woman? and then queer on top of that? can’t even read any fatwas about any of it because half of them decry my existence, the other half outright ignore me. what happens when my hijabi sisters take off their hijabs in front of me? when they laugh and it makes my cheeks burn? when i imagine a life with them and without a husband, when i’m the one who gets to kiss her? if that sounds creepy to you , you’re right, it is, but what other choice do i have! out myself and lower my gaze with everything that breathes?

and every day i call him ar-rahman and ar-raheem. i ask for forgiveness. i pray. i dream and then ask for forgiveness for that. i read stories about men and women falling in love, muslim men and women, and then i don’t read about muslim men and men or muslim women and women falling in love because writing that shit gets you killed, let alone reading it. I ask for forgiveness for that too.

queerness isn’t even clearly acknowledged in the quran and hadith despite the existence of the mukhanathun. we’re an afterthought. hell, people don’t even think of us, like crap on your shoe, you wipe it on some grass and forget about it. and if islam gets this one fundamental part of me wrong, what about the rest of it? i’m a believer, i believe in god and his prophets and his angels and his books. it doesn’t take a genius. look around, everything is so so beautiful. but i’m hardly written into quran as a woman, ignored as a queer person entirely, left to interpret around muslims who want me gone and muslims who want me dead. i’ve smiled and nodded along to conversations wishing people like me from islam.

don’t know. don’t know :( answers would be cool or even fatwas . sorry and thank l