relationship advice? 🥺

i apologize for how long this is. my partner (30NB) and i (28F) have been together for 5 years, married for 4. we have a soulmate type of relationship. we go months with no arguments (occasional bickering that generally gets solved rather quickly), pretty good communication, we see and understand each other more than anyone in the world. we are constantly laughing, joking, and loving on each other.

however, 3 years ago (2 years into our relationship, 1 year into our marriage), my partner brought up opening up our marriage (polyamory). this was something that i tried to be okay with but wasn’t. to sum up what happened, i was riddled with anxiety and reached a breaking point, saying that i could no longer do an open relationship and we can go our separate ways if they need to venture out or we could rebuild our marriage and close the relationship. my partner agreed to close our relationship and break off things w the girl (she lived in another state so there was nothing physical). days later i find out that didn’t happen, my partner was lying to me and sneaking off to go talk to her and was essentially emotionally cheating on me bc we agreed we would be monogamous. i was completely shattered. my whole world came crashing down. i broke up with them and moved 1,000 miles back to my home state (but did not divorce). after months of us doing long distance, them proving themselves to me, us flying to see each other, and rebuilding trust, they moved the thousand miles to live with me. we continued to rebuild our relationship since this and have reached a place in our marriage far better than we’ve ever been before. we’ve been back to our best friend soulmate type of relationship for the last two years, we moved, have good jobs, and are starting to make friends (we’re incredibly introverted and have long distance friends but no irl friends since moving to a new place).

well my partner made a femme friend from work (which is something new for us bc our friends have just naturally matched our gender expression (my partner is transmasc & i’m femme)) and it had triggered some of the cheating trauma we experienced years ago. we talked openly about my fears, my partner was being very receptive and supportive, they’d tell me about their convos at work, and when they would hang out they’d be sending me updates and pictures, and they’d show me their text messages all to reassure me that nothing was going on. i of course have been struggling with it regardless but was optimistic that over time and after eventually meeting said friend in the future, that we would work through it.

casually the other night my partner tells me they’re going to the gym in the morning. i ask if they’re going alone bc sometimes they would bring this new femme friend along for workouts and would go pick her up bc she doesn’t have a car. they say yes, they’re going alone. shortly after they leave at 6am (typical time for their gym session) i fail to go back to sleep and decide to check their location (we typically use it for safety but can’t deny that it’s helped reassure my worries) and see that it’s completely off. i text my partner, no response. i call them multiple times, no response. i eventually blow up their phone enough that they answer bc i can feel that something is off. they facetime me from the gym and say “i wasn’t honest about working out alone” and i become hysterical. i’m crying, saying “why would you lie to me? you’re sneaking behind my back” etc and they said that they just didnt want me to become so triggered and worried and sad and cry every time they brought up hanging out with this femme friend so they thought lying would protect me. i can’t fathom how lying would be beneficial to my fears of them being dishonest/unfaithful but i digress. my partner, on facetime, communicated to the femme friend about my concerns and the whole while i can hear her say “yeah your wife deserves to feel comfortable, you should’ve communicated with her, we’re just friends” etc and i can tell that it’s genuine and that her and my partner are telling the truth. i tell my partner that they need to come home immediately because this is a major rupture of my trust with them, that lying was deceptive, regardless of them being just friends. their response left me gobsmacked: my partner says they’re going to finish their workout but they’ll “make it quick.” i said, if you care about my feelings and this relationship you need to come fix this right now. they did not cut their workout short (see pics of text exchange). what hurt me the most above them lying was the fact that when i expressed the urgency that they needed to act to fix the situation, that they did not react. they treated it with such apathy that i felt like i had no option but to tell them that the relationship is over. i told them i felt like they gave me no choice but to end it due to their lack of action.

they come home after their workout and essentially say “so how are we moving forward with this separation.” i’m so fucking hurt because even though i told them it was over i was hoping that they loved and cared about me enough to fight for our relationship and try fix this rupture despite what i said. they said that at the time when i asked them to come home that they did not feel like they had the capacity to show up for me emotionally. so i basically say that you can’t meet my needs and that i’m not sure what continuing being together would be for.

we do our own thing for some hours and later that day come back and talk about what happened. they have always had an avoidant attachment style and struggled to be emotionally present during arguments until after they’ve had time to process as opposed to me who is ready to discuss problems immediately and experiences major anxiety the longer i have to wait to converse. they apologized, admitted that they’re a selfish person, that they want to go to therapy, that they want to show up for me emotionally when i need them, and that they have a lot of stuff to work on but that they want to be with me more than anything in the world. i said “i don’t know if i can forgive you for this, i might be able to and i might not, i can’t tell right now. are you going to try anyway to fix this even though our future is uncertain?” and they said yes.

am i an idiot?? am i overreacting?? i know this is a trigger for me but my heart is so broken and im so afraid of being betrayed by them again. i was really emotionally preparing to be alone because i was so hurt and beyond done dealing with dishonesty but im so in love with them and what we have is so special. we’ve been and worked through a lot, but am i stupid to try to trust them again?