I feel so alone.

(16 F: I wrote the following in my notes app trying to calm myself after writing an exam and having a panic attack/mental breakdown - unsure of what I was experiencing- in the bathroom.)

Note 1: I'm here until 2 pm. Everything's okay, I'm real. I'm just sitting here waiting for it to be 2 pm. I'll watch Netflix and calm myself down. Afterwards maybe there will be less people outside and I can read the book that I'm writing about next week. Today's test went fine, I'm just stressed and feeling anxious because of my lack of sleep and the excessive amount of caffeine that I drank this morning. I feel nauseous after what I ate last night, but I don't regret eating the take out. It was a nice experience, going there and then watching a really good Netflix shows while eating it and drinking the Coke. Even if I made myself vomit after, that was also not a bad thing because now I know how to make myself vomit. Right now I don't feel very good. Many things are the causes for me feeling this way. It's okay though. I'm okay. I'll be okay. The only thing that's real is right now. I shouldn't dwell on the past or overthink about the future. The only thing that's real is right now.

Note 2: I'm really happy with my new clothes. The jeans are very baggy but they look very good. I just need to wear a tight shirt then I won't look fat at all. Plus the corset thing is very fun to wear, I like not being able to feel my stomache which I can do without wearing it but I don't like starving myself anymore. It used to be easier, I just drank coffee and at school I was so busy that I didn't feel the urge to eat even if I felt dizzy. Plus I hate eating in front of people, everytime I do, I stuff my face and I feel disgusting afterwards since I did that in public. Even if I don't stuff my face I feel like I look disgusting when I eat in front of people anyway. I stopped starving myself but when I'm bored I over eat, to fill the hole that I feel in stomache. The hole is obviously figurative, it's just this weird feeling in my stomache that I have due to my loneliness. I feel very alone and I know that I'm not the best person and that I push people away but I'm very alone and I don't want to be. Maybe the reason why I'm upset is because in my essay I had to be quite pessimistic and recently I've been trying not be. In the essay I wrote my real opinions so maybe that's why I feel weird it was too personal. In the essay I wrote that I feel like I was thrown into the middle of the ocean and  that I was left there alone. There's no life boat coming to save me and the stress caused by being stranded in the middle of the ocean made me forget how to swim. I'm there on my own. Alone. I had to make the ending fictional since in the conclusion I wrote that I'm not really alone. I just feel that way. Now that I think about my essay even if I don't get an incredibly good mark it's a pretty good essay. It's eccentric, that's what I like about my writing. It's good writing but it also being eccentric, weird and abnormal makes me love it even more. Even if the writing isn'r incredible, I like it because it's unique. It sounds egotistical to say that I like it because I write my writing but what I mean by it is that I like it since I wrote it the way I would like it. It's like getting a dress custom made, even though you designed, it's not egotistical to say that you like it because you designed. Of course you like the design that's why you made that specific design. I like my writing because I write what I want to read. It being different and abnormal is a big part of why I love it. Again, I'm alone but it's okay. Right now I need to be alone. I don't feel good enough to be talking to anyone right now. Do I ever feel good enough to talk to people though? Or do I just force myself to and then it starts to feel normal-ish? I don't know, but what I do know for a fact is that I'm not normal. I definitely have something bigger wrong that me than just anxiety or being shy. I like that I'm weird but not always. I don't know who I am or who I want to be, but I just have to keep living I guess. Maybe one day everything will be better but right now I don't know.