So much loss

I turned 30 this year.

30 years where I was blissfully unaware of the relentless cruelty of life. More peaceful years than many, I know. I’m lucky that only now am I experiencing the angry waves that suck you down and slam you against the rocks, again and again, as you gasp for air.

I was a different person a year ago, another lifetime.

In this past year I have lost a grandmother that was like a second mother to me, a grandfather due to a surgery that went horribly wrong, a cousin from a horrific suicide, and most recently, our family dog from a sudden, aggressive cancer.

I am an only child. I have a partner, and my parents. But right now I am so terrified of losing anyone else that if I could just build a box around us all to live in and stay safe I would. My partner and I have always wanted children, but the thought of bringing a life into this seems so cruel to me now. And what if they get sick? What if they suffer? What if they die? What if I die?

What if we can’t even have children?

I know these thoughts aren’t entirely logical, yet I’m thinking them.

How do I continue to live life without feeling like I’m one breath away from being slammed into the rocks again?