Struggles with your own mental health??

As you can see on my profile- my mother is extremely volatile and I am cutting her off financially so that I can go full no contact with her. Right now I’m basically in the eye of the storm as I initially gave her 6 months (now 4 after more screwed up behavior) to get it together. The act of cutting her off is a lot for me. I’m not sure if she will figure it out financially. She depends solely on social security and she didn’t work for a lot of her life so it’s a small amount of money. She will (and already does) blame me if she becomes homeless or desolate. I will blame me as well in all honesty. I feel a great sense of guilt and personal failure. It’s not even something eating at me though. It’s just hopeless. I know I can’t keep on down this road. But it’s bleak and empty. I feel bleak and empty about the choice.

On top of that, my mother and I have fought intensely every two weeks for the past month and a half (she will send me an email or do something to get around my block and I just won’t be silent now). I see something and we absolutely get into a screaming match or have the same text exchange where she blames me for literally everything and I tell her she’s a terrible mom. The last one she basically blamed me for her getting raped as a child and I had to basically tell her I didn’t care about her childhood because she’s just using it to deflect from current problems in our relationship and cultivate sympathy from me. At this point, it is completely silent as I have her blocked on every single platform and have warned her that if she uses my email to reach out to me for ANYTHING but speaking about moving costs or logistics she actually needs from me to make it happen, that I will move up the schedule again. I will not be unblocking her and any attempts to get around, I will also block. I can’t keep fighting with her, it’s adding to my stress. I never should’ve been but I’m just fed up. Blocking feels cruel but we just go around and around fighting when we do so it’s pointless. She will continue to send me hateful things too so there’s no choice. She doesn’t give a shit about how I feel. She claims to be sorry and mocks me in the same breath. I hate her as a person and if she wasn’t my mom I wouldn’t care what happened to her. So there’s no going back.

But it is my mom. I feel awful honestly. I feel like a villain. And the things she’s saying to me have had an impact. Ive never been a fully depressed person. I’ve always had an anxiety and a duty to take care of others, so I was always on the move. I put my sadness and anger into my schooling and my career and I always kept going. But I’m hitting rock bottom this time. I’m having a REALLY hard time. I’m not contemplating suicide but I don’t want to be alive. It feels too difficult. I feel so alone. She was the only family I had. I tried to reach out to family members she’s cut off (which is a nuclear offense to her) but they never responded. I’m not sure if they saw it or use social media regularly or if they just want nothing to do with me because of my association with her. But it’s so lonely and it’s so scary. I don’t know why it feels that way- I’ve always been on my own. But it’s just settling into me that my mom doesn’t love me. She’s not looking out for me. Nobody is. I’ve been isolated from my actual family for 15 years because of my mom. And I don’t know if they’re normal or healthy either.

I’ve had to completely quit drinking because I started down a road of using it to self numb and it quickly became a problem through October. I’ve not been very functional. It’s been very hard for me to stay motivated and keep up at work and it’s only a matter of time before my colleagues start to notice and feel it. I’ve started to date for the wrong reasons just to feel wanted and have sort of attention on me. I’m even in contact with all of my exes again (because my mom stirred them all up and they reached out to me). I feel like I’m acting out of character and being selfish. It scares me because I don’t want to be like my mom and I feel like now I don’t know who I am. It just feels like my mental health is just falling apart. I don’t like her to have that kind of power. But she’s ripped me apart for weeks and at the core of my being, I feel lost. I was always just there to take care of her and support her. I was supposed to be this ultimate sacrificing giver. I always had to be responsible. I never got to be a child or a wild teen. And now I very well could put my own mom out on the streets because I can’t choose myself otherwise. And I’m screwing my own life up being depressed. I like can’t get up right now. It’s frustrating, it feels like a moral failure.

I know it’s the right decision and I have to stick to my guns. But part of me just feels like she’s so mentally ill that I should be looking into alternatives. It’d never work. Logically I know that. She wouldn’t stay committed, she knows the system. It’s just a lose, lose. I just want her out of my life. I want to heal. I don’t want my life to be a bleak black hole.

I don’t know what I’m looking for with this post. To vent? To share? To seek support? I don’t know. But it’s hard. I’m having a hard time.